These past couple weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster ride I guess I could call them. Haiti was such a high and then as much as I didn’t necessarily want to come back, it was good to come back to my family and spend time with them. Then I very quickly packed up and moved here to Texas where things just didn’t seem to work out at all the way that they were supposed to in my eyes. My OT license didn’t come in so I couldn’t start working, finances were a bit tight, was in a completely new place knowing nothing, got sick, started my job that has not been anything like I thought it would be, and I have felt isolated and alone. There have been good moments though that I know I need to remember like finding places to go outdoors and explore, finding a church to go to, meeting new people.

One problem. I have a really hard time seeing the positive right now when the parts of life are not going quite as I had planned. And since I am away from my friends and family I isolate myself which makes the depression more. Then my eating disorder comes in as my comfort with exercise and crazy eating behaviors. I am frustrated with myself for allowing that to control a lot of my day and thoughts again. Feeling like I have to exercise in order to justify eating what I do and making myself seem like everything is great when I am out in public is exhausting!

The verse on the top of the page is one that caught me today. Making the verse more personal and what I pray tonight:  I will be strong and courageous for the Lord my God is with me. I will have faith knowing that God has a plan for me here even though I may not necessarily feel that there is one right now. Also Psalm 23:4 “Even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death and darkness, we don’t have to fear because God is with us, protecting, leading and providing for us so that we will lack nothing.”

Tomorrow is a new day with new adventures that God has in store and I am going to do my best to use his strength to help me go out and have some fun because I know that God has the power to reach down and pull me out of this valley that I am in and help me climb back up to the mountaintop.

Adventure…..This is all part of the adventure. This is what I tell myself numerous times throughout the day everyday at my new extremely chaotic job here in San Antonio, TX. Now don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful that I now have my license and am able to work after not for a couple of weeks. I remember telling myself it is all part of the adventure while I was in NY as well and it all turned out okay and I learned a lot! I am trying to feel optimistic about this job and not complain but boy is this place exhausting. I have been meeting some interesting people since being here between my job, church, and just randomly on the street.

Some patients have been more compliant than others. Some sweet old men and ladies and some ummm not so sweet ones but hey, I need some people to make the day interesting! Sunday night movies at Marc and Liz’s house with Josh and Ronelle are nice and relaxing and something to look forward to on the weekend. Same with small group on Tuesday nights at the Motyka’s. Bugs are not something I look forward too. Spiders in the shower and in my bed and large unidentified bugs that look like a mix between a cockroach and beetle in my sock and underwear door is so not cool.

So yes, this has all been an adventure since being here and I have learned a lot about things that I should do if I continue to do travel therapy and things that I shouldn’t do. Do I belong here? I’m not so sure. I miss my sunrises/sunsets, waterfronts, family, friends. But I still have about another 11 weeks here so I guess I will find out!

We live in world where we want to be in control of what we do, where we go, when things happen. I am completely guilty of this too. People in the church always say God is in control or let God be in control. That is not necessarily easy when something doesn’t go the way it was planned and then we get something else in our mind that we want to do.

The past two weeks in Texas have not been anything that they were planned to be. And I finally had decided this weekend that I wanted to and was going to move back to NY. I miss my family and friends, I miss the familiarity of the state, I just feel like I would be more comfortable working there. But….my Texas license was issued today which means that tomorrow I can start working here. That gives me no “excuse” to go back to NY. I guess God had other plans that what I had and he has a reason for me staying here in Texas. Just wish I knew what it was because I have a lot of anxiety about starting this job and just living here.

Now I need to focus on trusting God and being confident in myself and my abilities as an OT and just as a person going into this job.

Written by Katie’s father Paul:

“Katie’s life has been a pleasing aroma to GOD. Her life of nearly 25 years has been lived more fully & has had greater impact for Christ than many of us will in 70 years or more. We don’t know what outcome she’ll have when this is over. I can say these things confidently: there is a GOD who created the heavens & the Earth. He reigns over His creation. He is good & He is wise. When we experience unexplainable tragedy like in Katie’s case – He doesn’t cease to be either wise or good. The ability to grasp the scope of all that happens in the universe is beyond me, but for now I have confidence in Him. Each of us has a certain number of days designated on this earth, and a GOD knows the number of our days. Jesus is the Son of God, he and father are essentially one. Jesus paid the ultimate price for all of our crimes against a perfect God. Jesus is the promised Christ of the bible. We are rebellious again God’s rule in big & small ways from time that we could walk or talk. When wrong is done, somebody’s got to pay the price … that’s just how real justice works. By believing that He took on himself all the punishment that each of us deserves, God accepts Jesus as our substitute. After we reach that point, we need to agree with this Holy GOD that we purpose to turn away from behavior that is contrary to His ways. We accept both good things & things that aren’t as easy to take …. like Kate’s accident. The bottom line is this; if Katie recovers – we’ll rejoice & get to enjoy her awhile, but if not – Katie has had a wonderful life & she’ll leave us to go to be with Him.”

“Each of us has a certain number of days to live & breathe … and the mystery is that none of us knows how many days there are & many of us get frustrated or fearful by not knowing that answer. Another troublesome mystery that we all face is not knowing what happens to us when we die. Except for a handful of incredible after-life stories that have been told, we are left to imagine what happens next. In the process of considering these mysteries, some have concluded that since it seems impossible to solve these puzzles, it is better to live & do whatever makes us feel good & makes us happy. You may have heard the popular expression, You Only Live Once, or YOLO for short, while the statement is true – this philosophy doesn’t address either of the mysteries that are listed.

Katie believed that there is a God who created the heavens & the Earth. He reigns over His creation. He is good & He is wise, and when we experience unexplainable tragedy – He doesn’t cease to be either wise or good. She also believed that Jesus is the Son of God, and that he and his father are essentially one. Jesus paid the ultimate price for all of our crimes against a perfect God. Jesus is the promised Christ of the bible. She came to realize that everybody tends to be rebellious against God’s rule in big & small ways from the time that we could walk or talk. When wrong is done, somebody’s got to pay the price … that’s just how real justice works. By believing that He took on himself all the punishment that each of us deserves, God accepts Jesus as our substitute. After we reach that point, we need to agree with this Holy God that we purpose to turn away from behavior that is contrary to His ways.

Katie has settled the answers to the mysteries, and she has hope that this same God has counted her days & and considers her life as precious, and that He loves her enough to exercise both wisdom & goodness on her behalf. As for the answer to the second mystery? She has a real hope that when the veil is opened that separates life from death – that Jesus will welcome her into something more beautiful & more wonderful than any of us can begin to imagine. I know that you’ve probably thought about the improbability of knowing for certain that this is true, but the catalyst that must be added is faith … It says in the book of Hebrews, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” There must be that point when faith ignites and produces confidence and ultimately results in hope. This hope that we have may seem pointless to some, but Katie believes that her hope won’t disappoint … And so do we.”

I had the privilege of knowing Katie through Camps Farthest Out. We were not at many camps/retreats together but the last one we were at was in Georgia March 2013. She led the youth group and her love for God and living her life for Him was very evident in everything that she did. Her life is such a testimony of faith and having confidence and trust in God. I put words in this post that Katie’s dad had put on Katie’s Prayer page on Facebook. These were sections of posts that caught me as representing who Katie was and the kind of faith and confidence in God that I want to have in my life.   

 

Today is National Sibling Day according to what I have read all day on Facebook and of course anything that is read on Facebook is always true. This collage isn’t very clear but here are a couple of pictures of the bunch of us throughout the past couple years. The bottom left is the newest one which was taken Christmas 2013 and includes all of us including La’Cherrie’s little one Chloe Mae.

If I actually sit down and count, I have had over 50 siblings throughout my 27 years of life. This is when people give me the I really don’t understand how that works face. I’ve had some from a couple hours up to many years now having 6 of them as permanent adopted siblings. My mom did foster care for most of my growing up years so I always had siblings…lots of younger siblings. We all had our moments of arguing, fighting and annoying each other but it was kind of nice to always have at least one other person to play with and hang out with.

I love my siblings and my nieces that they have brought into this world. They have brought so much joy into my life that I have never felt before 🙂

Reflections from Oak Hills Church small group 4/8/14

Romans 8:18 “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is too be revealed to us.”

The conversation with this verse really caught me tonight because of the “valley” as they named it that I feel like I am in since moving to San Antonio. Dwelling on my situation of not having my license->not being able to work->not getting paid->worrying about everything is basically where my mind is at all the time. Paul is saying in this verse though that this is nothing! Glory is going to be revealed that is so much greater than any valley/suffering I could ever go through. I need to stop each day and listen to what God is telling me instead of getting stuck in the suffering and missing my family and I need to trust Him.

On my way home from small group, the song “I Surrender All” came on the radio. That is exactly what I need to do. Surrender it all and look forward towards the good that is ahead.

Adventure #2 has landed me in San Antonio, TX. And oh what an adventure it has turned out to be so far. A day before I left I bought a new car (Nissan Sentra) which I love. Then I spent 3 days on the road. 3 days, 6 states, and over 1,600 miles! I was able to stay overnight in TN the first night with a lady who I knew from Keuka who was the President of the colleges assistant who also led a bible study on campus that myself and my friends attended. My second night I had planned on making it to Dallas to stay with another friend however due to some crazy thunder, lightning, and hail storms in Arkansas I only made it across the TX border and stayed in a hotel in Mt Pleasant, TX. It was so nice to finally get to San Antonio and check into my room at the Extended Stay America hotel.

That evening I decided to go to the Riverwalk. So I drove there and finally found a place to park where I didn’t have to pay anything and then walked the couple blocks to the walkway remembering the different streets and landmarks so I would remember my way back to my car. My only problem when I left was that the Riverwalk can get you very turned around and it took me forever to find where my car was! It’s a really nice walk though!

On 3/31 I wrote this in my journal:

“Today I should be starting my new job. But God does things in His own time I guess. So I am sitting in my hotel room in San Antonio, TX where I arrived Saturday afternoon. I drove for 3 days, through 6 states and 1,684.8 miles to get here in my brand new 2013 Nissan Sentra! In Arkansas I hit really bad thunder/lightning/hail storms so bad I had to stop a lot. As I got back on the road and passed over into Texas I saw a sunset which just gave me a peace and was a sign that this is where I am supposed to be. I am not exactly feeling either of those things today as I am frustrated with myself for not following the licensing process correctly so now who knows when I will get it and be able to start working. AND….I just killed a HUGE cockroach in my hotel room!!!!!! Seeing the familiar faces of Marc and Liz yesterday made me feel really good and I am excited to go to their small group on Tuesday and meet some people! I decided during lunch today that instead of sitting there continuing to make myself stressed and frustrated with my current situation, I would get my Bible out and do my devotions. Today’s devotion was on enduring and remaining steadfast during troubled times. When this traveling gets hard, I just want to give up feel like it would just be easier to do something permanent. But I know that this is what I want to be doing and what God called me to be doing. So I need to remain steadfast in the Lord and keep holding on and trusting in Him and remember that this is all part of the adventure!

More updates on my adventure as it comes…..

March 18-24 Grand Goave, Haiti

If someone had asked me after September 2010 if I would ever go back to Haiti after spending a week there I never thought I would say of course I will go. But, God had plans that were different from mine but they were some great plans and I am so happy I was obedient and followed them to Haiti with the team to Mission of Hope International. In the week we were there, we held clinics taking care of people who came, prayed with people and for people, held and played with some adorable kids, provided food for a village, swam in the ocean, and made so many more memories.

I loved holding the babies, making the splint for my little guy, watching the smiles appear on faces when we were able to provide people with medicines. I was able to help Chel take care of a baby with 2nd degree burns on her arms and legs.

When we got back, Chel asked us if there was anything we could have done differently what would we have done. I answered that with saying that I would have liked to have taken more time to learn Haitian Creole and more medical information in order to be able to converse more on my own with the people I came in contact with and be more confident in what I was diagnosing them with. She also asked what are we thinking now. My answer was I wish that I could still be there because I would feel more like I am making a difference and doing something other than sitting in a hotel room waiting like I am doing right now. It was a great trip and I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to go.

One thing I love about living in NY is that there are 4 seasons. Spring, Summer, Fall and well a crazy amount of months of Winter. Fall is my favorite season with the perfect temperature that is sweat pant and hoodie weather and the colors are just beautiful. Then there is Winter which I can handle a couple days of and then I am totally done with it. Yes, the snow is pretty, but I hate being cold and driving in the Winter weather is just something I am not a fan of.

Just like the weather has seasons, we go through seasons in our lives too. God is in control of these seasons of our life that we go through. It is up to us to be obedient and choose to live the life that God is calling us to. And we should be obedient to these changes because God had them planned out before we were even born! The thing though is that these seasons may not always be easy. But what you say about it will determine how you experience and live it.

It requires Faith to make it through some seasons. Faith comes from hearing and hearing from the Word of God. Pastor Joe from CFF said that so many times I don’t think I will ever forget that (which was why he said it so many times! Pastor made an analogy when he talked about faith that I thought was cool. He said that receiving from God’s reservoir only requires faith. You have to “plug into” the outlet (God’s reservoir). Faith is the “plug” we use to tap into all God has given us. “Faith is like electricity; you don’t have to analyze or understand it to enjoy its benefits. All you have to do is plug in!”

I have been through many seasons in my life. Some have been so good and others I have struggled and have required a lot of faith to get me through.  I heard someone say this once “You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.” I attended a women’s event at CFF in February and really was hit with the fact that I am not at peace with some things because I keep trying to just escape them instead of facing them head on and becoming victorious over them. Pastor Kat called me out from the stage where she was praying and didn’t even know it. But God knew that there was someone like me who needed the reminder that there are chains of three specific things that are holding us down. These three things are: Depression, Low Self-esteem and Eating disorders. Wow….that could not have been any more clearer to me.

That night I said that I will not allow those chains to have a hold on my life anymore. Ha….easier said than done. But, I have faith that God will help me through. It is day by day and some days moment by moment. I have in the past year learned to be a lot more confident in myself and in my abilities and not worry about what others may think. I am trying to have joy and remember the good things during the day instead of focus on the negative which is so much easier to do however will ultimately keep me in depression. I am also not allowing my eating disorder to be my identity and control my life as much. It is still a day to day struggle that for now I have to be conscious of however it is not what takes over my thinking or control my next move. I have hope and will trust in God more.

Seasons come and seasons go…and in all of them I choose to have faith and pray that I will be obedient to what God is calling me to do.

When I decided to change jobs in August 2013, I never would have imagined the experiences I would have as a traveling OT. I took a leap of faith, trusting that God knew what He was doing and would put me in the places He wants me at the right time. The analogy of an impala that Jon Stephens used in a message at church one day sticks in my head. Impalas can jump up to 10 feet high and 30 feet far. So why when we see them in a zoo do they not have a huge fencing around them? Because all that it takes to stop an impala is a 3 foot wall. If they can not see where their feet are going to land, an impala will not jump. Sometimes God calls us to go to a place and we may not know where our feet are going to land. We need to have faith and trust that God knows what He is doing. For so long I was at that wall unable to make the jump too scared of what might be on the other side however I felt God calling me to something new and different and traveling it is!

My first travel placement was to Wingate at Ulster in Highland, NY. This is what I wrote in my journal within my first two weeks there.
9/15/13
“The lift as a traveling OT…When I first decided to do this, I thought it would be great and I would love it. Maybe I will and sometimes right now I do, but I miss having my own apartment and my friends and my church and I miss the comfort of my previous job. Downsizing my life did not necessarily go as well as it could have but it’s hard to know what you may need! I am staying with L and J which is nice because I have a place to live but I do get tired of having a “mother” around telling me what I should and shouldn’t do even though I know that is just her hospitable personality.
God I have a question….why did you have to make fleas????? I can deal with the 6 cats, but seriously God, I can’t take these fleas any longer!!!
The new job has been quite the experience. With no real orientation or anything I felt like I was just thrown in and am trying to stay afloat. I think I am getting the hang of it and doing pretty well. I had one patient who said I have a lot of spunk and am a good OT and will be good for the facility. My supervisor actually complimented me the other day on how I never complained when she gave me a huge caseload. One patient told me not to touch the pimples on my chin because they will get infected and I will get a disease. The face of ‘A’ when she learned how to use a sock aide and zipped up her sweater was priceless. She always asks ‘Did I do good?’ Those are the things I try to remember over the negative experiences. I try to make therapy fun and individualized for each person which doesn’t always work well but I just do my best which is what I tell my patients to do.”

In November I had a patient tell me something that was really encouraging and reminded why I am doing what I am doing. She said that she remembered the first time I worked with her and she was my very first patient I treated at Wingate. During that first treatment she told me that I would do well as a therapist there. As I was treating her the last time, she reminded me of how timid I was and she said that I was doing a good job and had opened up a lot. Patients like that keep me going.

Fleas, stinkbugs, snow storms, crazy patients, home evals, co workers some easier to work with more than others, rail trail and walk way over the Hudson….all things that were part of adventure #1.