J and I were talking today about how fast time goes by today. I mentioned how when I told people I was coming here to Zambia for a month they would comment about how long of a time that is when in all reality, this month is going to go by way too quickly. I feel like the past few years have flown by and I can not believe it is already March of 2015!

This weekend I have been reflecting on the past couple years and all of the ways I have discovered my identity and who I am in Christ and the freedom that comes with that. Two years ago yesterday I walked out of Sol Stone after my first time there for treatment. Those two years feel like they have flown by and life has been a big adventure learning about God’s grace and his love and forgiveness. There is a song I have been listening to a lot by Lauren Daigle that I love and feel like it is so true in my life. Here is the song:

How Can It Be

I am guilty

Ashamed of what I’ve done, what I’ve become

These hands are dirty

I dare not lift them up to the Holy one

 Chorus

You plead my cause

You right my wrongs

You break my chains

You overcome

You gave Your life

To give me mine

You say that I am free

How can it be

How can it be

 I’ve been hiding

Afraid I’ve let you down, inside I doubt

That You could love me

But in Your eyes there’s only grace now

 Bridge

Though I fall, You can make me new

From this death I will rise with You

Oh the grace reaching out for me

How can it be

I lived for so long and continue to somedays ashamed and feeling guilty of my eating disorder and how I have thought about and treated my body. I had made it my identity and my secret that I tried to keep from everyone and I felt like it was something that I could never overcome. It was this chain holding me down for so long.

This song though is a huge reminder of how God can break any chain and give me a life that is free. God continues to pour out His love and His grace towards me. And it is only through that, that I am able to pick myself up when I fall and continue to walk towards freedom.

What are things that make you feel secure in life? Is it being close to your family, having a job, having the finances you need, having a place to live? When we feel secure is it because we are doing or because we have things that are readily available to us even though we may not be happy with it, or are we doing something because we really want to and feel that it is what we are supposed to be doing?

As I was preparing for this trip to Zambia, one of the things that I was focused on was securing a job for when I return in April. I always have this fear of not having a job leading to not having a source of income leading to not being able to take care of myself. I went back and forth between a couple of different options. The first was taking a job that was offered to me which would be one of the easiest things to do but would I really be happy with it? The next option was to continue traveling which is what I did end up settling for. While talking with my recruiter she continually stated money facts to me. It did not matter how many times I told her that I wanted to stay living where I am and not leave the area, she would come back with but you know you could be making so much more money if you just did…..Right before I left the states, I signed a contract for a travel position about 1.5 hours away from where I live. That means 3 hours of driving a day! I settled with something that I don’t necessarily want to or feel led to do by reasoning that I need to be secure with a job and income when I get back because that is the most important thing.

Since arriving in Zambia, I have been feeling this pull to move here and be a full time missionary….seems crazy to even be writing that. It is something that I have felt called to do since I was around the age of 7 so I don’t know why it seems so crazy. But I keep reasoning and telling myself that I could never actually do that. I need to be in the states, I need to work, I need to make money, I won’t be able to raise money in order to support myself, and even more things. I get so confused about what I am supposed to be doing!

Today I was reading part of a book my small group back in Iowa is doing called “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer. At one point I read this passage:

“When God speaks, through His Word or in our inner man, we are not to reason, debate, or ask ourselves if what He has said is logical. When God speaks, we are to mobilize-not rationalize.”

She then talks about trusting God and not relying on our own human reasoning. She references Proverbs 3:5 “Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.”

Joyce then goes on to talk about the correlation between reasoning and confusion. The more we reason the more confused we may become. Hmmm….for me that totally makes sense and is where I am finding myself.

Finding myself in a position to fully trust God and allow Him to direct me and not rely on my own reason and confusion is a scary thing. And a hard thing to do. It is definitely something I still need to work on and pray about a lot. But I do know that the best security I have is my relationship with God and it is only through him that I will have understanding and guidance in what my next phase in life is to be. And who knows…maybe that next step is moving here to Zambia!