What are things that make you feel secure in life? Is it being close to your family, having a job, having the finances you need, having a place to live? When we feel secure is it because we are doing or because we have things that are readily available to us even though we may not be happy with it, or are we doing something because we really want to and feel that it is what we are supposed to be doing?

As I was preparing for this trip to Zambia, one of the things that I was focused on was securing a job for when I return in April. I always have this fear of not having a job leading to not having a source of income leading to not being able to take care of myself. I went back and forth between a couple of different options. The first was taking a job that was offered to me which would be one of the easiest things to do but would I really be happy with it? The next option was to continue traveling which is what I did end up settling for. While talking with my recruiter she continually stated money facts to me. It did not matter how many times I told her that I wanted to stay living where I am and not leave the area, she would come back with but you know you could be making so much more money if you just did…..Right before I left the states, I signed a contract for a travel position about 1.5 hours away from where I live. That means 3 hours of driving a day! I settled with something that I don’t necessarily want to or feel led to do by reasoning that I need to be secure with a job and income when I get back because that is the most important thing.

Since arriving in Zambia, I have been feeling this pull to move here and be a full time missionary….seems crazy to even be writing that. It is something that I have felt called to do since I was around the age of 7 so I don’t know why it seems so crazy. But I keep reasoning and telling myself that I could never actually do that. I need to be in the states, I need to work, I need to make money, I won’t be able to raise money in order to support myself, and even more things. I get so confused about what I am supposed to be doing!

Today I was reading part of a book my small group back in Iowa is doing called “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer. At one point I read this passage:

“When God speaks, through His Word or in our inner man, we are not to reason, debate, or ask ourselves if what He has said is logical. When God speaks, we are to mobilize-not rationalize.”

She then talks about trusting God and not relying on our own human reasoning. She references Proverbs 3:5 “Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.”

Joyce then goes on to talk about the correlation between reasoning and confusion. The more we reason the more confused we may become. Hmmm….for me that totally makes sense and is where I am finding myself.

Finding myself in a position to fully trust God and allow Him to direct me and not rely on my own reason and confusion is a scary thing. And a hard thing to do. It is definitely something I still need to work on and pray about a lot. But I do know that the best security I have is my relationship with God and it is only through him that I will have understanding and guidance in what my next phase in life is to be. And who knows…maybe that next step is moving here to Zambia!