Last night I got home, took Ellie for a walk, and sat down on the couch to watch more episodes of Safe on Netflix. I also had a pint of chocolate peanut butter cookie dough ice cream. When I took it out of the freezer, I told myself I should probably just scope out a little bowl of this instead of eating it out of the container because knowing myself I would eat all of it. I laughed at myself and said I will not eat the whole thing, it will be fine. Well one episode in and I had reached the bottom of the pint of ice cream and oh boy was it good. Oh wait….I ate the whole pint of ice cream (gulp). I went to Starbucks after grocery shopping this morning as I typically do to reward myself for actually grocery shopping, and I suddenly stopped and thought. I don’t deserve this drink. I sat and ate a pint of ice cream last night, so what makes me think I deserve to have a treat today?

When I was a traveling therapist, there were a couple nice places that I had contracts with, but there were also some very difficult places the worst of which were my last two contracts. I was constantly told that I was an angry person who was not nice and not a good therapist. My flaws were pointed out and I was criticized for my work constantly. I was not able to work for awhile after the contracts ended because I felt like I didn’t deserve to be an occupational therapist. There was a big part of me that thought I didn’t deserve to even be here and have my life because I was such a horrible person. What did I do to deserve the incredible job I have today? To work for such a great organization, with a boss who is encouraging and supporting, and patients who can always put a smile on my face?

I am back in school and will soon be starting my 4th session. I have completed 6 classes and will be taking 2 more this session and I am excited to do some more learning. There are two things that I am passionate about when it comes to counseling. Well actually there are a lot but there are two areas I have been focusing on. The first is eating disorders and the other is maternal health with kids who have special needs (especially with kids who had extended hospital stays). When I first told someone that this is what I want to do, she said well you know you need to have your shit together if you want to do this. With my history of an eating disorder, depression, and anxiety who am I to deserve this chance to go back to school and counsel others?

I started going to a different church about 3 weeks ago. I have really enjoyed going and love the vision they have for the church, community, and internationally. Two things I have missed doing in the church are worship and youth. As much as I miss youth ministry, it also scares me and I don’t know if I am cut out for it. Ever since one of my youth group girls took her own life a few years ago, I have felt that maybe working with youth is not for me. I mean, if I couldn’t help save her even though we talked frequently including that night, then how am I deserving to teach and mentor other youth?

In a week, I will be going on a medical mission trip to Haiti with a group of great people. I am incredibly excited to be able to go. A couple years ago, I had started raising money to move to Zambia. After a few months of money raising and planning though, it all fell through. I felt such shame and guilt because all of these people had given to me and I had nothing to give back to them. I haven’t been able to go on another mission trip since then because I have felt like I don’t deserve to ask for support again, even prayer support. And because of my past, who am I to go to another Country and think that I can help people?

A couple weeks ago, some memories from previous relationships came up. Memories that are difficult to relive and I am ashamed of. In the midst of thinking about them, I thought to myself, I don’t deserve to be in another relationship. With all of the mistakes I have made in my life there are days when I feel like I don’t necessarily deserve God’s love. Why would someone who I have lied to and betrayed still love me?  Even more, there are many days when I can’t fathom the idea of loving myself, so why do I deserve to have someone else love me?

Lauren Daigle sings a song called Don’t Deserve You. The chorus of the song says:

“I don’t deserve your love

But you give it to me anyway

Can’t get enough

You’re everything I need

And when I walk Away

You take off running and come right after me

It’s what you do

And I don’t deserve you”

I did deserve that Starbucks drink today because I can’t go back on what I did yesterday and I did do something that is hard for me which is grocery shopping.

I do deserve my job because I have worked hard to become an OT and have gained so much experience in the past 7 years since I graduated. I love the kids and families I work with and do whatever I can to help them to which sometimes I am reminded by my co workers that I can’t do everything and need to give up the reigns sometimes.

I do deserve to go back to school. What I have experienced and continue to experience in life allow for me to be a good counselor. I love to learn and I want to help people enjoy their life and find the joy that I have. I don’t need to have my shit together to do that. I just need my foundation and to continue to be healthy.

I do deserve to get involved with youth if the opportunity comes up again. I can bring so much to the table from my experiences working with youth and just my life experiences in general. And I have a passion for these kids.

I do deserve to go to Haiti next week. Missions is something that God put on my heart when I was young and He never meant for it to be something I give up on. He has given me the ability to go to these other Countries and form relationships with people. I have been taught so much by people I have talked to and observed in other Countries and I am thankful for the opportunities I have been given in the past to do this and the upcoming trip to Haiti.

Most importantly, I don’t deserve the love that God so graciously gives but He gives it anyway. He looks at our past and says, “Child, you are forgiven” and continues to love us more than we can ever imagine with this agape love. I deserve to be in relationship with other people because that is what we are called to do in our lives. That is the only reason I have been able to get to where I am in life today, is by the influence that others have had on my life and the relationships that have been encouraging and supporting of my goals and dreams. Another song that has been on my mind recently is Reckless Love. The chorus says:

“Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine

I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah”

 

What do you need to give yourself permission to deserve?