I have found myself most of this year walking along a path of lostness (yes, I just made up a word). I had surgery in March and wasn’t able to work after that for many months. I felt lost and there was no peace in my life. I spent June-September in residential treatment for my eating disorder and there was definitely no peace there. It was a very challenging time but also a time of learning and growing. In September when I was discharged, I moved back to NY to be closer to my family. I moved with no money and no job and what I felt like was no purpose, but very stuck in my past. My focus was on how the year had been going with work, life, finances, depression, and the eating disorder. Instead of giving myself grace, I am hard on myself and feel like a failure. 

I like doing photography. I’m not the best, but I try and am quite proud of my nice camera with all the different lenses and gadgets. There are times when I have been trying to take a picture of something and it comes out blurry so I need to try a different lens and adjust it until the object comes into focus. I was listening to a sermon today by Pastor Adam Starling while working and the topic was on peace. His 4 ways to have peace are on point with what I have not been doing this year. His points were:

1. Move Past your Past
2. Pray with a grateful heart
3. Adjust your focus
4. Live in His ways

My focus has been on so much of the past that I am getting stuck in it and it is not helping in my struggle to accept myself in the here and now. It is keeping me in the eating disorder and depression and just self-hatred if I’m being honest. I am working in therapy though on moving past my past and focusing on the present and what I value in life. 

It is only when I adjust my focus that I can have a life of peace and see clearly what God has in store for me. Right now I am working as an administrative assistant at a church and doing teletherapy with students in Oklahoma and American Samoa. And who knows what next year will bring.