Back in January, I started what I thought would be my perfect job. I absolutely loved what I was doing and I loved my patients I was working with. I however did not have a good experience with my co-workers and was told on numerous occasions that everything I was doing was wrong. There was never any evidence to back that up so on the surface I knew that what I was being told wasn’t true, but deep down it stuck and hurt. I felt inadequate as a person and therapist. I continued to stay in that job until mid April thinking that I was a failure if I resigned. After weeks of daily panic attacks, I found the courage to resign and since I was unable to find another job where I had settled into an apartment, I chose to take a travel contract a few hours away.

I moved to the tiny town of Lowville, NY and started an OT travel contract in an acute rehab unit in Watertown, NY. It was so hard for me to leave my apartment and my community that I had finally made again. I went into this job discouraged and run down but in the end it was a good experience and I gained back some of my confidence as an OT. My goal while doing this contract was to find a job where my apartment was so that I could go back there. That however did not work out, and after a couple months, I packed up everything with the help of some amazing friends and put it all in storage. 

My contract in Watertown was supposed to end after 3 months, however I had extended another 3 months to the end of October. Soon after I extended, they hired 2 full-time OTs, so my contract ended a month early once they were trained and on their own. I was applying for multiple jobs and couldn’t decide if I wanted to travel more or take a permanent job or where I wanted to be. Nothing seemed to be working out at first and I was getting discouraged. I was then offered a travel job that I declined due to various reasons. A permanent job came up that I randomly applied for thinking that I would never have a chance of getting and I also was submitted for another travel job. 

I interviewed for both jobs around the same time and was offered both. I had been sharing this journey with a friend of mine and when I told her about these two job offers she first said “you are highly desirable”. These jobs want you. Then when I was struggling to decide which job to accept, she asked me “why are allowing fear into this decision”? Eeeks! Both of those things hit me hard. I have lost so much confidence in myself personally and professionally that I haven’t felt desirable, wanted, chosen…..I have been afraid of making a wrong decision and feeling stuck. But, I also desire community and my bed put together in a stable place and not in pieces in my storage unit. 

I recently spent a week traveling from NY to TN and spent a long weekend attending and helping out at a young adults retreat called 1833 through Camps Farthest Out. Throughout the weekend, there was such a sense of community and worship. We talked about laying down carnal weapons and using spiritual weapons along with putting on the armor of God. During the weekend, one of the speakers said something along the lines of “your identity has to be centered on knowing the truth”. Over the last few years, through life experiences, I feel like I have lost the truth of who I am. I haven’t felt highly desirable and there has been a lot of fear and doubt. I recently asked a friend to help me find some scriptures that mention being chosen by God. Here are two that really stood out to me:

“you whom I took from the ends of the earth,

    and called from its farthest corners,

saying to you, “You are my servant,

    I have chosen you and not cast you off”;

fear not, for I am with you;

    be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:9-10

“For we know, brothers[a] loved by God, that he has chosen you.”

1 Thessalonians 1:4

My identity needs to be centered in the truth that I am chosen, favored, loved, belong, and am highly desirable. I am excited to be starting a new chapter working in a new inpatient rehab hospital with Cleveland Clinic in Ohio. There is still some fear of the unknown and questioning if I am actually good enough to do this job, but they offered the job to me and I accepted. I am going to put on the armor of God and use the spiritual weapons to fight the lies of the enemy trying to sneak in and just do my best.