Back in January, I started what I thought would be my perfect job. I absolutely loved what I was doing and I loved my patients I was working with. I however did not have a good experience with my co-workers and was told on numerous occasions that everything I was doing was wrong. There was never any evidence to back that up so on the surface I knew that what I was being told wasn’t true, but deep down it stuck and hurt. I felt inadequate as a person and therapist. I continued to stay in that job until mid April thinking that I was a failure if I resigned. After weeks of daily panic attacks, I found the courage to resign and since I was unable to find another job where I had settled into an apartment, I chose to take a travel contract a few hours away.

I moved to the tiny town of Lowville, NY and started an OT travel contract in an acute rehab unit in Watertown, NY. It was so hard for me to leave my apartment and my community that I had finally made again. I went into this job discouraged and run down but in the end it was a good experience and I gained back some of my confidence as an OT. My goal while doing this contract was to find a job where my apartment was so that I could go back there. That however did not work out, and after a couple months, I packed up everything with the help of some amazing friends and put it all in storage. 

My contract in Watertown was supposed to end after 3 months, however I had extended another 3 months to the end of October. Soon after I extended, they hired 2 full-time OTs, so my contract ended a month early once they were trained and on their own. I was applying for multiple jobs and couldn’t decide if I wanted to travel more or take a permanent job or where I wanted to be. Nothing seemed to be working out at first and I was getting discouraged. I was then offered a travel job that I declined due to various reasons. A permanent job came up that I randomly applied for thinking that I would never have a chance of getting and I also was submitted for another travel job. 

I interviewed for both jobs around the same time and was offered both. I had been sharing this journey with a friend of mine and when I told her about these two job offers she first said “you are highly desirable”. These jobs want you. Then when I was struggling to decide which job to accept, she asked me “why are allowing fear into this decision”? Eeeks! Both of those things hit me hard. I have lost so much confidence in myself personally and professionally that I haven’t felt desirable, wanted, chosen…..I have been afraid of making a wrong decision and feeling stuck. But, I also desire community and my bed put together in a stable place and not in pieces in my storage unit. 

I recently spent a week traveling from NY to TN and spent a long weekend attending and helping out at a young adults retreat called 1833 through Camps Farthest Out. Throughout the weekend, there was such a sense of community and worship. We talked about laying down carnal weapons and using spiritual weapons along with putting on the armor of God. During the weekend, one of the speakers said something along the lines of “your identity has to be centered on knowing the truth”. Over the last few years, through life experiences, I feel like I have lost the truth of who I am. I haven’t felt highly desirable and there has been a lot of fear and doubt. I recently asked a friend to help me find some scriptures that mention being chosen by God. Here are two that really stood out to me:

“you whom I took from the ends of the earth,

    and called from its farthest corners,

saying to you, “You are my servant,

    I have chosen you and not cast you off”;

fear not, for I am with you;

    be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:9-10

“For we know, brothers[a] loved by God, that he has chosen you.”

1 Thessalonians 1:4

My identity needs to be centered in the truth that I am chosen, favored, loved, belong, and am highly desirable. I am excited to be starting a new chapter working in a new inpatient rehab hospital with Cleveland Clinic in Ohio. There is still some fear of the unknown and questioning if I am actually good enough to do this job, but they offered the job to me and I accepted. I am going to put on the armor of God and use the spiritual weapons to fight the lies of the enemy trying to sneak in and just do my best. 

In November 2024, I met two ladies in the village of Combiaso in the Dominican Republic. Prior to this week-long trip, I had recently become wound care certified. These two ladies both had a wound on their foot. I had the opportunity to clean up and bandage their wounds that day and educated them on how to further take care of their wounds. Fast forward to January 2025 in the same village, Combiaso. While walking around the village helping Mission of Hope International’s public health nurse take vitals, I saw both of these ladies again and was able to see both of their feet healed. I am grateful that I was given the opportunity to go back to the Dominican Republic and see both sides of the healing. 

There was so much more that the team I was a part of fit into that week in January. We had a couple main focuses during the week. Some of these included assisting with the early intervention feeding program, starting an after school program for school age children, and putting together the beginning stages of a child sponsorship program for the school age children. We spent a lot of time playing with and getting to know the children in the villages of Lagrua and Baraguana. I worked on talking to each of the children and writing down information about their interests, their families, and resources that they may or may not have. Their picture was then taken and we started to put together packets to send to sponsors

. 

If you want more information on how to sponsor a Haitian child in the Dominican Republic please ask me! I would love to sit down with you or talk over the phone.

Another goal for our team was to bond and have fun! We all had a great time going into the villages, but we also enjoyed some down time going to the beach, hiking up and jumping off waterfalls, playing games, and just having conversation. 

Life is full of transitions. Some are easier than others and some are more welcome than others. I know that my life has been full of transitions especially as a traveling OT. I recently finished a contract in Elk City, OK that I was at for just about 9 months. It was a time full of unknowns, new experiences, new people, and more adventures. At the beginning of November, I finished my contract and drove from OK back to NY to visit my family for a couple weeks. My most recent adventure I just returned from was a medical mission to the Dominican Republic. I have been across the border to Haiti a few times with Mission of Hope International however this was my first time going to the DR with them. 

Haiti has become ridden over the years with devastation, extreme poverty, and violence. The beautiful country and people have been going through transitions that I can’t even imagine. Many Haitians have fled across the border to the DR and are working on starting new lives but are in constant fear of immigration and being deported. While in the DR, I met many of these people in the three villages we visited. During our time in the villages, we helped to serve food for the baby feeding program and we set up medical clinics. We were able to see approximately 88 people from ages 2 months to 112 years old (yes that is correct…112). Most complaints were coughs and cold like symptoms, pregnancy, high blood pressure, back and neck pain, and wounds. 

Prior to going to the DR, I knew that I wanted to gain some more education and experience to help the people during clinics. One way I could do that was by taking courses and becoming wound care certified. I’m really glad I had the chance to do that because I was able to see a couple patients who had just had surgeries and were concerned about their incision sites and I also was able to help two people who came to a clinic with foot wounds. Thank you to everyone who donated supplies that I was able to use in order to clean and bandage these wounds. 

Coming back from the DR was a difficult transition. I”m going to get vulnerable for a minute. While in the DR I had a consistent place to stay with a bed and I felt like I really belonged there and had a purpose. Back here in the US, I am fortunate enough to have family members allowing me to couch surf and I am in between work contracts. There are a lot of unknowns about what my next steps are and it’s not an easy place to be in. I am working on figuring out what is best for me and my health (both physically and mentally) while also still being able to support myself and remain independent. While I sit in this time of transition, enjoy some pictures from the DR!

Picture 1: Feeding program

Picture 2: Wound care

Picture 3: The team dressed up for church

Picture 4: 112yo lady

Picture 5: Playing with the kids

Picture 6: Our view of the bay from the house

Here is a link to the latest blog post from Mission of Hope International:

https://www.mohintl.org/single-post/impact-lives-this-winter

I have officially been in Elk City, OK for a month now. Where you may ask is Elk City? It is in the absolute middle of nowhere in Western Oklahoma. I haven’t gone on too many adventures yet, but I am enjoying my job at the hospital. I’m working inpatient rehab and some days are slow and others a bit more busy which makes the time go by faster. There is a park near the hospital that has a nice walking trail that I have gone to a few times. Last weekend was my birthday so I decided it was time for some self-care. I got a massage, a pedicure, and took myself out to dinner. This past week, I was able to drive to Oklahoma City and spend the day at the zoo with a friend from Fort Worth and her son. It was great seeing a familiar face.

I wasn’t sure about doing more OT since I thought I was really set on counseling. I am still wanting to do counseling, but for now my patients are reminding me why I like being an OT. Inpatient Rehab can be very rewarding as patients typically make a decent amount of progress in a couple weeks and then discharge home or to another facility. I have been able to build rapport with some more difficult patients and have spent quite a bit of time learning about the lives my patients have lived. I recently had a patient who was a missionary with her husband in Kenya for many years. We were able to talk about Kenya and our experiences there which was really cool. 

One big struggle I have had since being here are allergies turned sinus infection and bad asthma. Fortunately, I have some great co-workers who are helpful and supportive. I have spent a lot of time in my hotel room watching Big Bang Theory and Friends. It has also been really nice having FaceTime to keep up with my family and friends while I’m here. 

I know this isn’t much of an update on my adventure, but here it is!

Well Folks! I’m traveling again! Let me start at the beginning though…..

In September my uncle and I loaded up all my stuff in Texas and Oklahoma and moved it to my aunt and uncle’s house in Jamestown, NY. Ever since then I have been living with them which has been so good. I have been the administrative assistant at a church and doing OT via teletherapy. It has all worked out really well and it has also been a time of good healing for me. 

On January 27th, I was blessed with the opportunity to be in the delivery room with my sister throughout her labor and delivery of a beautiful baby girl, Calla Nova. I fell instantly in love with that little 5lb bundle of smiles and a little personality already. So as you can guess I soaked up all the baby snuggles I could get!

About a month ago I decided to make a change and do travel OT again. It just made for the place I’m in in my life and financially. So, I started the grueling process of finding a company to go with and a recruiter and landed on one that could give me what I wanted. Since I am currently only licensed in Oklahoma, it made sense to start there and work on getting my license in another state while there. 

Three days ago on Thursday, my car was all packed up and I was on the road way too early in the morning. I loaded up on my coffee and started my drive. I don’t know how many hours it took me exactly but by Friday evening I made it to Oklahoma City where I stayed with a friend and then Saturday I drove to my final destination … .Elk City, OK. Elk City is basically in the middle of absolutely nowhere in western Oklahoma. I will be doing OT for inpatient rehab and acute care at Great Lakes Regional Medical Center. I will be here until May 18th. Not sure what will happen after that except that I will go back to NY for a little bit to see my family and get in some more baby snuggles. 

That’s all I’ve got for now!  

I have found myself most of this year walking along a path of lostness (yes, I just made up a word). I had surgery in March and wasn’t able to work after that for many months. I felt lost and there was no peace in my life. I spent June-September in residential treatment for my eating disorder and there was definitely no peace there. It was a very challenging time but also a time of learning and growing. In September when I was discharged, I moved back to NY to be closer to my family. I moved with no money and no job and what I felt like was no purpose, but very stuck in my past. My focus was on how the year had been going with work, life, finances, depression, and the eating disorder. Instead of giving myself grace, I am hard on myself and feel like a failure. 

I like doing photography. I’m not the best, but I try and am quite proud of my nice camera with all the different lenses and gadgets. There are times when I have been trying to take a picture of something and it comes out blurry so I need to try a different lens and adjust it until the object comes into focus. I was listening to a sermon today by Pastor Adam Starling while working and the topic was on peace. His 4 ways to have peace are on point with what I have not been doing this year. His points were:

1. Move Past your Past
2. Pray with a grateful heart
3. Adjust your focus
4. Live in His ways

My focus has been on so much of the past that I am getting stuck in it and it is not helping in my struggle to accept myself in the here and now. It is keeping me in the eating disorder and depression and just self-hatred if I’m being honest. I am working in therapy though on moving past my past and focusing on the present and what I value in life. 

It is only when I adjust my focus that I can have a life of peace and see clearly what God has in store for me. Right now I am working as an administrative assistant at a church and doing teletherapy with students in Oklahoma and American Samoa. And who knows what next year will bring.

People have been asking me a lot about what I am going to be doing now that I have left Oklahoma and moved to Jamestown, NY. The honest answer is I don’t know. I will be doing some pediatric occupational therapy via telehealth through a company in Oklahoma. I am also working on figuring out the process to continue the licensing process for counseling. 

I have also been getting the question, why did you move? While Oklahoma was a time of learning and growth, it was also more of a lonely time with unexpected struggles. I now have three nieces in Jamestown and another on the way. They are busy with cheer, school plays, and dance and I found myself missing out on it all so I knew that I wanted to be somewhere closer to them. 

I don’t know what this season of life holds for me. This isn’t a very informative post but it is something. If anyone is in the Jamestown area and wants to get together for coffee please connect with me!

As I’m sitting here watching the Buffalo Bills game and smelling some yummy chocolate chip cookies I just made, I decided it would be a good time to write about coping skills. Coping skills are tools and techniques that a person can use to help manage situations such as stress, anxiety, depression, and emotional dysregulation. I am going to share with you some coping skills that I have been practicing to help me through recovery. 

1- Baking: I love to bake! I find that baking helps me to relax and distracts me. When I first went into residential, instead of going on an outing with the group once a week, I would stay back at the house and bake. It was my time to do something I enjoy doing during a stressful time and typically none of the other patients were around. It was also something I did on the weekends. I like to be creative and have fun with my baking. It doesn’t always turn out well, but at least I have a good time doing it. Since being at the clinic for PHP and IOP, I have been baking at my apartment at least once a week and then take it in to share. 

2- Art: Art therapy has been one of my favorite groups most weeks. I love to be creative and when I can’t express how I’m feeling with words, I can typically find a way to do it with art. The most relaxing art that I have found to do is fluid painting. There is no right or wrong way to do it and it doesn’t take much thought. When I have had an exhausting day and need something mindless to do, I chose to do fluid painting. Right now I have a line of canvases on my living room floor. 

3- Music: I haven’t been doing much playing or singing, but I definitely listen to music. I can listen to music while doing just about anything and the type of music depends on what kind of mood I’m in. Most recently I’ve been listening to coffee shop stations on Amazon Music. 

4- Movies/TV Shows: I don’t have a TV, but I have some streaming services that I use on my computer. There are days when I feel like I did to be on the go and I don’t allow myself to just rest. On days like that, I will find a TV show or movie and just sit in my rocking chair or lay in my bed while watching it. I used to not be able to give myself permission to just rest, but with practice, I’m able to rest a lot easier. 

5- Walk: I love being outside. Something I have learned and practiced a lot this year is mindful movement. One aspect of my eating disorder was compulsive exercise. After a few weeks in residential, I was given permission to go on short walks. Typically I went out with one of the other patients and we had some really good conversation or just enjoyed listening to the sounds around us. I find that using my senses while taking a walk helps me to stay in the present and be mindful instead of focusing on calories burned or my body. Moving my body in ways that feel good such as during a walk is so much better than compulsively moving it even through pain. Some day I may be able to get back into doing some more exercise, but for now I will continue to enjoy my walks. 

6- Journaling: This is something that I definitely don’t do enough of. Journaling is a great way to get all my thoughts out and then be able to more easily process them. I will occasionally share my journaling with my therapist so she can help me process and work through different situations. When I have some tough emotions, I find that writing down those emotions to be helpful. One technique I learned in residential is using the senses to write out the emotion. First, you give it a name and then you write down what it looks like, sounds like, feels like, tastes like, and smells like. This helps me to separate the emotion from myself and then I can also do the same thing with what emotion I would like to have. 

There are more coping skills that I use at times, but these are the main ones. One big thing I have had to practice is to use the coping skills in the first place but also that coping skills are not supposed to be used to avoid situations. Instead, they can help distract but it’s important to go back and confront the situation to process and work through it. 

What are some coping skills that you use?

I’ve been pretty quiet on my blog this year and I decided that now is the time to put out an update. In this post I am going to give you an update on where I’m at right now and what I have been learning along the way. 

Last Fall, I relapsed with an eating disorder that I have struggled on and off with for many years. After much fighting with my outpatient treatment team, I packed my bags and headed out to Norman, OK in my friends car to a residential eating disorder treatment center. I continued to fight a lot of the process through a couple residential stays with partial hospitalization in between. Here are some learning experiences I had during that time.

1. Recovery can not be done alone. I was set on being able to do recovery at home by myself however after a couple weeks at residential I realized how difficult the process was going to be. I needed the 24/7 support, therapy, groups, dietitian sessions, and medical supervision. I also needed the other patients. I have met some of the most supportive, fun, and encouraging people. When you live with people, you get to know them pretty well and we got into routines of doing things like going for walks in the evening once we had permission to. I didn’t tell many people what was happening and where I was going but the support I received from the friends and family I did tell was incredible. I am very thankful for all the people I have in my life. 

2. I love being able to use my 5 senses. The residential house is a little outside of the city, back from the road, and surrounded by trees and water. I spent a lot of time outside when there wasn’t snow on the ground and the temperature was lower than 100*. In the Spring, the flowers were beautiful and the grass was green again. In the evenings one of the patients and I would go for a walk down the long driveway and we also would go into more of the wooded area. We saw lots of trees, flowers, water in the creek, turtles, fish, snakes, and turkeys. Fun fact: Turkeys sleep in trees and yes they can fly. I liked finding the snakes and petting them (there were not venomous). I enjoyed laying outside feeling the grass and the warmth of the sun and listening to the sounds around me. I struggled a lot with depression and anxiety at the beginning and going outside and using my senses helped me to ground myself. 

In July, I was able to spend a week in New Hampshire leading worship at a CFO camp. I was so excited to go but as it got closer I started to doubt myself and told myself I wasn’t qualified to be the worship leader. I had such a great time during that week. My mom came and brought one of my brothers and my two nieces and I saw friends I haven’t seen in a few years. My first night leading worship definitely did not go as planned and I was so discouraged. It seemed to confirm what I had been telling myself that I was not qualified to be in that leadership position which brings up learning experiences number 3 and 4. 

3. Who am I to tell God that I am not qualified to do something He has called me to do. The rest of my week leading worship I had a great team of guys helping me. There are all so talented and encouraged me along the way. We had some amazing times of worship and God showed up. I needed to focus more on Him instead of relying on my own abilities. 

4. Trust. I didn’t just need to focus more on God, but I also had to trust him. I also trusted the guys on the team. Giving up control and going with the flow made it so much more comfortable and helped with my confidence. I was so thankful during that week to have a prayer group of women who were so easy to trust. We spent a lot of time talking, praying, laughing, and crying. This also related back to all the treatment I was going through and trusting people and the process. 

A few days after I got back from New Hampshire, I was admitted back into residential treatment. This time though I had a very different outlook on it. I was more trusting of the providers and the process of recovery. Recovery is not easy and it’s not linear. The word that kept coming to mind is number 5 in my learning experiences.

5. Acceptance. This time going into residential I started to accept the process and stopped trying to control everything myself. I became more open to trying new foods, learning and using coping skills and techniques to help with my anxiety and depression, and the biggest part was starting to accept my body. I started focusing on my health instead of weight and size. I don’t always feel like I can accept my body because it hasn’t always been reliable due to underlying conditions, but I started really focusing on what it does for me and how important my body is to me. 

It was hard to accept the process and continue working on it, but I am glad I did it. My residential stay was only a month which is short compared to my first stay of 4 months. I was then able to step down to partial hospitalization for a month and am in my last couple weeks of intensive outpatient. I am ready to find my life again in recovery and will be starting that with a mission trip to Kenya at the end of October for 2 weeks. I am so much happier now and excited that I am healthy enough to be able to do missions which I love to do. I still have a lot of work to do in recovery, especially as I discharge to outpatient but I am going to continue to trust and accept the process, use my coping skills, enjoy the body I have been given, and do what brings me joy. I also hope to be able to use what I have learned and experienced this year to help and educate others. 

I am going to be working on more blog posts with pictures and memories from this year so stay tuned for that! I would also love to hear what you all have been learning this year if you are comfortable sharing.