I, like everyone else, have been thinking a lot about what is going on in our world this year. There is a lot of fear, loss, sadness, loneliness, and so much more surrounding the Coronavirus and now the protests following the killing of George Floyd. It is a crazy and unexpected time for all of us. I have been trying to figure out how to write this without sounding ignorant or blind to the discrimination and racism we see in the world. Here is goes.

I grew up in a predominantly white city however I was exposed to many different people and cultures. I have two adopted siblings who are mixed race. I can’t begin to imagine how they are feeling right now, especially my brother. I remember one day when I was pushing them and other kids my mom had in a stroller at a store. I had stopped and was sitting on a bench with them and a lady came up to me, looked us up and down, and then stated “aren’t you too young to be having children”. So what if I was the mother of those kids? It was not okay for that lady to think any less of me or judge me based on assumptions. Just like it is not our right to judge or think less of others because they have made different choices than we have or they are a different color than we are.

There is a word that has been popping up in my head and the word is ableism. Ableism is typically heard when relating to people who have disabilities. It is discrimination or social prejudice against a person who we think is not as able-bodied as we are. As an occupational therapist, I work with and see many people with disabilities and I grew up with a brother with severe disabilities. I have seen ableism first hand with people thinking that my brother can’t do certain things because he is not like them. I have also heard ableism resulting in a social hierarchy and attributing disability to groups of people. This is exactly what is happening in the world. There are noted instances of social prejudice and discrimination against people of other races and ethnicities then we may be.

In 2013, my friend Ethan from when I was younger died at a movie theater. The way he died is what I have been thinking about a lot with all of this going on. He was killed by a police officer who used too much force and didn’t listen. Ethan died of asphyxiation due to the force the officer put on him. Ethan had Down Syndrome. The news of his death was spread pretty far, but it was not necessarily a nation wide, big news deal. And there were never any protests promoting the lives of people with disabilities and the way people with disabilities and mental illnesses are treated by the police. His mom however took charge in educating law enforcement about people who have disabilities and how they are no different than a lot of us and require the respect and ability to speak just like I do. Yes, people with disabilities require more patience and may be difficult, but their lives matter too. Ethan’s mom took a more peaceful approach following Ethan’s death raising awareness through education and helping make new policies to protect people. I am aware that being black right now and having a disability are two different things and people are treated in different ways. However protests with violence is absolutely not the answer to bring awareness. The opposite happens and it causes more chaos and depending on what is going on, it can just make the situation worse in noting that the people who are fighting for their rights are also the ones causing more destruction. This is not how we were meant to live. I understand that we will most likely always see ableism happening with discrimination and prejudice against people who are not like us, but I feel like the way we respond to situations that come is what is most important in getting points across and promoting change. Below is a picture of me and Ethan when we were probably around 3-4 yrs old. 

There are two themes that I have been reminded of many times the past couple weeks. The first is to step out in faith and trust God in the process. The second is God’s plan, not mine. A few years ago, I was following what I thought was God’s plan for the next stage in my life was. I had this dream that I wanted to follow and I thought it was the right time to pursue it. I did a lot of planning and started putting things into action only to get stopped. I felt like I had failed. I truly thought that what I felt called to in life was never going to happen again. I started to lose faith and thought God had let me go.

This past year I have been challenged in my faith in a good way and I have learned so much about God and my relationship with Him. I have started to stop a lot more and pray and listen to what God is saying instead of relying on my own thoughts and feelings. Is it easy and do I remember to do this all the time? No. Am I resistant to doing it sometimes? Yes. The past couple weeks while I was in Kenya and then when I got home, there has been a lot that I have been processing. I tend to go to others to get advice and I want others to help me figure out what to do in situations. While I was out on a walk this week, it hit me that I never stopped and prayed or asked God what He wants for me in this season.

My problem with that, is I am not always sure what is God talking to me and what is me telling myself. I also allow things in my past to interfere and cause doubt and confusion. I recently finished reading Moving Mountains by John Eldredge with my community group. It is a great book on prayer that has a lot of good points which either taught me more on how to pray, or reminded me of what I had been neglecting. In relation to my past, Eldredge said “If you hold on to trauma, rage, or guilt for years, it is likely the enemy is going to use those unaddressed issues as an opportunity to oppress you. My story of fear when I was twelve, left unaddressed, gave the enemy an opportunity until I took that opportunity away through intentional prayer.” Last week in Kenya, I was thinking about next steps and anytime the thought of doing more missions came into my mind, I would have a small panic attack remembering what happened when I tried to do that a few years ago. Once the anxiety started, I would push it all out of my mind and tell myself that it will never happen because I am no the right person for the job.

So then what should I pray? Do I pray that God directs me to do missions or do I pray that He doesn’t change anything? I put so much pressure on myself to pray the right thing and figure things out. I become overwhelmed and anxious. I love what John Eldredge says about this in his book.

“First off, do whatever you can to reduce the pressure. Pressure is a killer; it nearly always gets in the way of hearing from God. As best you can, lay down the pressure as you seek guidance. Drama never helps; stress never helps. Give the search some breathing room. Take a deep breath yourself. Second, be open to whatever it may be that God has to say to you. If you are, in truth, only open to hearing one answer from God—yes, you should buy that house—then it’s not likely you will hear anything at all. More sadly, if you do hear a yes, you won’t be able to trust it. Surrender is the key. Yield your desires and plans and hunches to the living God so that you might receive from him something far better: his counsel. Consecrate the matter; consecrate the process of decision making too!” 

I am realizing more and more through all of this that I also just need to sit and ask God what to pray. It doesn’t do me any good to tell God what I want or think I want because then I am going back to my plan, not God’s. When we pray, we are one with God and God wants the best for us. We may not be able to see it all the time, but it’s true. Eldredge says “When we are in the darkness, we begin to feel like we have always been there. But it is not true. David reminds himself that God has been faithful in the past; God will be faithful again. He urges himself to put his hope in God because the morning will come.” So, I am going to do my best to ask God what He wants for me, trust Him, and step out in faith.

Is there anything you need to trust God with?

What is God asking you to step out in faith with?

Maybe ask God what you should be praying.

When I was younger there was this saying that was heard often at school. It goes “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”. If I remember correctly, my cousins and I would say this to each other when we were arguing and name calling. I have discovered though as I have gotten older, that the saying is not exactly true all the time.

There have been so many words said to me during my life and words that I have said to myself. Some positive and some not so much. When I was a traveling therapist, my last couple contracts were awful. I became an angry person and was constantly being told that. I was also told daily that I was a horrible OT. Those words broke me just as much as actual sticks and stones being thrown at me would have. I allowed those words to stick to me and break me until I believed every word that was being said to me. I was about ready to give up on being an OT because I truly thought that I was not good at it.

That is until I took a peds home health OT job in Fort Worth in February 2016. I was very apprehensive at first because I was still convinced that I was a bad person and therapist. In the past 2 years I have received emails and texts and have been told that what I am doing in my job is good. Emails from my boss saying that my work is excellent and that I am appreciated have been so encouraging. And, I work with an amazing group of people who are always supporting and encouraging each other. This job has given me so many great opportunities and experiences and my confidence is back…well most of the time at least.

The part of the phrase that says words will never hurt me I have come to find another meaning in. There is a choice in this. I can choose to continue to believe the words that were previously said to me that I believed but were not productive, or I can choose to not allow those words to hurt me. I can choose to have the encouraging words be the ones that I believe and listen to.

A couple months ago, I received an email that one of my co-workers had nominated me for Peak Performer at work. It made me feel good to think that someone thought of me, but in the back of my head, I never thought I would be one of the people chosen. Well, I was wrong. I was chosen as a Peak Performer in July. Today, I attended a program where I received a plaque. I was so encouraged by the words that were read from the nomination letter. And, having my boss sitting there with me was so encouraging. I don’t think the people who I work with know just how important each one of them are in building my confidence and knowledge as an OT and as a person in general. The words they say may not seem like much to them, but to me they mean the world.

This has been a reminder to me that the words I say to others also have some sort of meaning. I pray that I can be an encourager and give words to people that they can allow to stick and help them grow and discover their strengths and confidence.

What words do you need to choose to let go of? What words can you replace them with that can help you strength and confidence?

Who can you give encouraging words to today?

Photography involves different types of exposures. If a picture comes out too dark or bright, blurry or you want to focus on a specific piece of the picture you may have to change the exposure. When I first received my camera in the mail I was so excited. It was a nice expensive one with different lenses and I couldn’t wait to go out and take pictures. I had read a little bit on the camera and how it worked but it really took me going out and practicing to learn how to adjust the exposure and have a picture come out with good quality. I should add in here that I am still not even close to being a great photographer, but I still like to try. Sometimes it takes me a few tries to get the picture to look just the way I want it to. Some settings are also easier for me to take pictures while others can be more of a challenge.

I feel like life is kind of like this too. We are living our lives in different degrees of exposure. We expose ourselves to people, places, foods, music, and so much more. Some of these exposures may be great and some more challenging. Some may be a little awkward at first but once you adjust or practice it will become more clear and comfortable. There may be discomfort when it comes to stepping out of the box we keep ourselves in and venture out. But as we walk through life, we discover how to weather that discomfort and discover more about who we are by learning who we are not.

I am not typically one to keep myself in a box. I love adventures and traveling, trying new things, and learning. In 2013, I found myself in a place that was comfortable and didn’t provide a lot of exposure. So, I decided to be a traveling OT for the next 2.5 years. I stepped out of my box and learned that living in a busy place like NYC is not for me. Living in Texas however is. I have met some of the most interesting people. I have experienced different cultures. I have learned that after being in social settings with a lot of people, I need to be alone to recharge. During that alone time though I am still gaining exposure through listening to podcasts, reading books, and even just watching movies on Netflix. I love coffee shops. Through my traveling, coffee shops have been a staple for me to find because they are a place that I can be around people, but I don’t necessarily have to converse with them which allows for my introverted self to still recharge.

Just like when learning photography, living a life on a spectrum of exposures takes practice and going out to explore and try new things. If you are stuck and unsure of where to start, you can ask for help. I know for me, I find different events on social media that look interesting and sometimes I will try them out alone and sometimes with a friend. I have been able to learn more of who I am and what I value in life through this practice and exploring different arenas in life. I can also sit and ask myself what it is I need. Sometimes the answer I get is being out in nature, or read a book, or visit a friend, or go to a coffee shop. I find so much more joy in life when I allow myself to come out of my box and expose myself to what is around me.

What are some ways that you gain different degrees of exposure? Have you taken the time to ask yourself what it is you are needing?

I just sat down to write about the word beauty and the TV is on. I look up at it and one of the girls is taking a selfie and states “I need Instagram to know that there is still beauty in the world”. Beauty is a word that is used frequently to describe the quality of something. If you look up the word beauty it is typically related to the qualities a person possesses that makes him/her beautiful. In the world I lived in for many years, I defined beauty based on images. More specifically the image that I saw in the mirror every day compared to the other people I interacted with, saw in passing, on the TV, and in magazines. Those people had beauty but that image I saw in the mirror did not measure up.

I was reminded tonight during a chat that beauty is more than just image. It’s about feeling beauty outside of ourselves. Beauty is our life, our soul, the air that we breathe, nature, what is true to you. Allowing ourselves to feel the beauty that we see and feel outside of us is like medicine. Once I was able to stop focusing on the image aspect of beauty, I was really able to see and feel the beauty outside of me. Beauty to me is sitting in a garden of flowers, being out in nature, sitting with a cup of coffee, the smell of rain. Allowing myself to see and feel that brings a calmness and peace with it. I am able to exhale the anxieties, stressors, and challenges in order soak in the medicine that is leaning into life.

What are some things that you may need to exhale? How do you see and feel beauty? What can you allow yourself to rest in today?

Have you ever driven a school bus through the crowded streets of Port Au Prince, Haiti where people make their own lanes and the speed is stop go stop go? Yeah, me either. But I have been in the front seat of a bus that was going through those streets and with every move you hold your breath and pray that no one hits anyone. It’s pretty intense. Want to know what else is intense? Standing in a small room with no air flow, with sweat dripping down your face, while holding a scalpel and helping to debride a young girls burns down her leg and foot.

When we arrived in Haiti on June 11th, I was feeling excited to be there, but inadequate and wondering who I was to be back in the mission field. I was with a team of people who are paramedics, a respiratory therapist, and a nurse. In my mind, they were all so much more qualified to be there running the medical clinics than I was. We had quite the adventure trying to get through the streets of Port-Au-Prince (in an old school bus) where people choose their own lanes to drive in and no one wants to let anyone else through and the horns are just blowing from all directions. We ended up on a different side of PAP than we wanted to be on and spent some time sitting in a restaurant because there were demonstrations and protests on the roads leading out of town. After about 5 hours of driving and waiting, we made it to MOHI in Grand Goave.

Each day, we set up our clinics in different villages and saw between 80-90 patients a day. We diagnosed a lot of colds, reflux, arthritis, vaginal infections, ringworm, scabies, high blood pressure, and we were able to tell some ladies that they are pregnant. I got to hold some cute babies, play duck duck goose and hide and seek with some kids, and cared for everyone who came to my table. After that first day in clinic, I became more confident in the clinic. Everyone on my team was so encouraging, supportive, knowledgeable, and we definitely knew how to make each other laugh. When clinics were over, we went back to MOHI and went swimming in the ocean (or took a nap), had some dinner, and played some good games of cards. We even got the Haitian doctor and dentist in on our games which was quite the comical experience.

One of our translators one day asked me why I keep going back to Haiti. I responded that it is a beautiful country with mountains and water and I just love the people. Haiti is one of the world’s poorest country and has been through so much devastation. Yes, there is a lot of poverty, garbage everywhere, and buildings that are only partially built. But when you look past that, you can see the beauty of the landscape and the people saying Bonjou or Bonswa as you walk past them in the morning or afternoon. As we were driving up the mountain to a clinic one day, I was just overwhelmed by how beautiful it was. The words to the song Reckless Love kept coming into my head that say There’s no mountain He won’t climb up coming after me. There was so much confirmation that day, that Haiti was where I belonged that week.

It has taken me so long to write this blog because I couldn’t figure out how to put into words what the week in Haiti was like. I still feel like this isn’t the best writing, so I will share a few pictures to help:

Last night I got home, took Ellie for a walk, and sat down on the couch to watch more episodes of Safe on Netflix. I also had a pint of chocolate peanut butter cookie dough ice cream. When I took it out of the freezer, I told myself I should probably just scope out a little bowl of this instead of eating it out of the container because knowing myself I would eat all of it. I laughed at myself and said I will not eat the whole thing, it will be fine. Well one episode in and I had reached the bottom of the pint of ice cream and oh boy was it good. Oh wait….I ate the whole pint of ice cream (gulp). I went to Starbucks after grocery shopping this morning as I typically do to reward myself for actually grocery shopping, and I suddenly stopped and thought. I don’t deserve this drink. I sat and ate a pint of ice cream last night, so what makes me think I deserve to have a treat today?

When I was a traveling therapist, there were a couple nice places that I had contracts with, but there were also some very difficult places the worst of which were my last two contracts. I was constantly told that I was an angry person who was not nice and not a good therapist. My flaws were pointed out and I was criticized for my work constantly. I was not able to work for awhile after the contracts ended because I felt like I didn’t deserve to be an occupational therapist. There was a big part of me that thought I didn’t deserve to even be here and have my life because I was such a horrible person. What did I do to deserve the incredible job I have today? To work for such a great organization, with a boss who is encouraging and supporting, and patients who can always put a smile on my face?

I am back in school and will soon be starting my 4th session. I have completed 6 classes and will be taking 2 more this session and I am excited to do some more learning. There are two things that I am passionate about when it comes to counseling. Well actually there are a lot but there are two areas I have been focusing on. The first is eating disorders and the other is maternal health with kids who have special needs (especially with kids who had extended hospital stays). When I first told someone that this is what I want to do, she said well you know you need to have your shit together if you want to do this. With my history of an eating disorder, depression, and anxiety who am I to deserve this chance to go back to school and counsel others?

I started going to a different church about 3 weeks ago. I have really enjoyed going and love the vision they have for the church, community, and internationally. Two things I have missed doing in the church are worship and youth. As much as I miss youth ministry, it also scares me and I don’t know if I am cut out for it. Ever since one of my youth group girls took her own life a few years ago, I have felt that maybe working with youth is not for me. I mean, if I couldn’t help save her even though we talked frequently including that night, then how am I deserving to teach and mentor other youth?

In a week, I will be going on a medical mission trip to Haiti with a group of great people. I am incredibly excited to be able to go. A couple years ago, I had started raising money to move to Zambia. After a few months of money raising and planning though, it all fell through. I felt such shame and guilt because all of these people had given to me and I had nothing to give back to them. I haven’t been able to go on another mission trip since then because I have felt like I don’t deserve to ask for support again, even prayer support. And because of my past, who am I to go to another Country and think that I can help people?

A couple weeks ago, some memories from previous relationships came up. Memories that are difficult to relive and I am ashamed of. In the midst of thinking about them, I thought to myself, I don’t deserve to be in another relationship. With all of the mistakes I have made in my life there are days when I feel like I don’t necessarily deserve God’s love. Why would someone who I have lied to and betrayed still love me?  Even more, there are many days when I can’t fathom the idea of loving myself, so why do I deserve to have someone else love me?

Lauren Daigle sings a song called Don’t Deserve You. The chorus of the song says:

“I don’t deserve your love

But you give it to me anyway

Can’t get enough

You’re everything I need

And when I walk Away

You take off running and come right after me

It’s what you do

And I don’t deserve you”

I did deserve that Starbucks drink today because I can’t go back on what I did yesterday and I did do something that is hard for me which is grocery shopping.

I do deserve my job because I have worked hard to become an OT and have gained so much experience in the past 7 years since I graduated. I love the kids and families I work with and do whatever I can to help them to which sometimes I am reminded by my co workers that I can’t do everything and need to give up the reigns sometimes.

I do deserve to go back to school. What I have experienced and continue to experience in life allow for me to be a good counselor. I love to learn and I want to help people enjoy their life and find the joy that I have. I don’t need to have my shit together to do that. I just need my foundation and to continue to be healthy.

I do deserve to get involved with youth if the opportunity comes up again. I can bring so much to the table from my experiences working with youth and just my life experiences in general. And I have a passion for these kids.

I do deserve to go to Haiti next week. Missions is something that God put on my heart when I was young and He never meant for it to be something I give up on. He has given me the ability to go to these other Countries and form relationships with people. I have been taught so much by people I have talked to and observed in other Countries and I am thankful for the opportunities I have been given in the past to do this and the upcoming trip to Haiti.

Most importantly, I don’t deserve the love that God so graciously gives but He gives it anyway. He looks at our past and says, “Child, you are forgiven” and continues to love us more than we can ever imagine with this agape love. I deserve to be in relationship with other people because that is what we are called to do in our lives. That is the only reason I have been able to get to where I am in life today, is by the influence that others have had on my life and the relationships that have been encouraging and supporting of my goals and dreams. Another song that has been on my mind recently is Reckless Love. The chorus says:

“Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine

I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah”

 

What do you need to give yourself permission to deserve?

 

 

 

 

 

“I want to unfold. I don’t want to stay folded anywhere, because where I am folded, there I am a lie.”

–Rainer Maria Rilke

I was heard this quote on a podcast today. At first I wasn’t sure what it meant, but as the person kept talking about it, it all “unfolded” (yes, pun intended). To be folded means to bend something over itself so one part overlaps another. In our lives we at times fold over and cover up parts of ourselves to try and fit into other peoples ideas of who we should be. When we cover up the parts of ourselves that we feel do not meet others expectations, our true self is not able to show up. I don’t know necessarily that we would be considered a lie if we are folded, but we are not able to be our true self. Maybe it is just me who does this, but I am going to make the assumption that I am not the only one.

One area that I feel like I kept folded up was the confidence to be my true self. That part of me that has a voice and is able to be confident in my abilities. Growing up I was incredibly shy and quiet because I was so afraid of not meeting others expectations and lacked any confidence in myself. I have in the past felt like I was being compared to other people who I deemed were better than me at everything and I was just never good enough. Throughout college and then especially in the past few years while I was a traveling therapist and now living in Texas, I have stopped feeling like others have such high expectations and stopped putting so much pressure on myself. That has allowed me to uncover parts of myself such as my voice and my confidence. I am much more confident in my job and just being me around friends and people I don’t know. I am able to find the adventure in life and enjoy it because it is what I want to do and not necessarily what others want or think I should do.

Another area I have folded is my body both internal and external. I have covered it up with clothing (which I hope you all do too), and with exercising, diet pills, laxatives, and minimal amounts of nutrition until there was not much left of me. What was left of me was basically a shell that walked around able to function as an adult, but there was no real life inside of me. There was not much communication going on between my head and my heart. I did all of this to meet what I thought were other peoples and societies expectations along with other reasons. Society tells us that we need to look and act a certain way. It is our responsibility to make the choice to uncover ourselves from the folds we have made and let our true self out.

I want to unfold so that I can portray my true self to the world. I want to be confident and have joy and energy. I want to find the adventures in life. What makes you fold and want to unfold? What do you want to uncover?

 

Last week I turned 31. When I was talking to my grandma on the phone, she asked me “so do you have a boyfriend?” First I was shocked that she even asked me that and then as I responded with a no it got me thinking. I have been asked more times than I can count when I am going to get married, when I am going to have kids, when I am going to settle in one place for an extended time and buy a house. When I was younger I had this idea in my head that I would get married, possibly have kids, have a big house with a big backyard, and have a good job that I enjoy. The catch is that I thought I would have all of that in my 20’s. Well, I am now 31 and I have a good job that I enjoy, a dog, and an apartment in a large complex. That ideal I had about what my timeline should be is just that- an ideal. It’s not reality. And that’s ok!

I also have this ideal that I have that I get hung up on. I have this ideal that I shouldn’t use ED behaviors anymore and that I should never be anxious or depressed or have negative thoughts. The ideal is that I am happy and healthy and content and continuing to move forward in my life. Which I am moving forward and doing a lot better than I have in the past, but I find myself getting frustrated and angry with myself when I do have a rough day and slip up or just have negative thoughts. I know that is one ideal that I need to change because I am not perfect and I am going to make mistakes. And I am still in the early stages of recovery so I may slip up and continue to have some struggles.

The reality is that I am 31 and my life is full of adventures that I never would have expected. I am thankful for those adventures as difficult as they may have and continue to be. They have made me a more confident person and I have discovered more of what I value and the truths about myself. I definitely still want to have a house with a big backyard for my dog, but for right now, I am going to be content with where I am at.

Side note: I had an ideal that my dog would be happy with the toys I bought for her. I am realizing that she is more content and happy to play with empty yogurt containers and empty cereal boxes all of which are spread across my apartment everywhere. If only she could clean up after herself. Here is a picture of her after playing with the carpet and putting it into a ball. Apparently it is a comfortable pillow and you can see only a tiny piece of her mess behind her. 

 

February is the month with the theme of love. More specifically, February 14th, Valentines Day. There was a meme that I saw on Facebook that asked the question “what are your plans for Valentine’s Day?” The response was something along the lines of I am going to work because it’s Wednesday. That was definitely my day. Most of the time I forgot what day it even was. I did however have moments when I thought of the word love.

I have always thought of love in terms of loving a person or receiving love from a person. There are also foods that I love; give me peanut butter and ice cream and I am all set! I love sunrises and sunsets and warm sunny days. I love a good cup of coffee while sitting on my comfy couch with a warm blanket and my dog. There is another part of love though that has not come easily and that is self love.

For the longest time, self love focused on my body and appearance. That was challenging since I all I saw were imperfections. So there was not much love going on there. I have been learning though that self love is not about my appearance, but instead how I take care of myself; how I show myself compassion. I was asked some questions a couple days ago that reminded me how I can show myself self love through a love poem. Here is what I wrote:

Today is an opportunity for me to lean into my truth.

I allow myself to feel confident.

I honor the courage it takes to be gentle with my imperfections.

Today I validate the part of me that is frustrated and angry and the importance of taking care of myself.  

Today I will bring compassion and joy.

I will focus on my breath and stay focused on the present.

That is how I am choosing to show myself self love right now. I am also focusing on self care. After a rough week last week, I went out and bought myself a $5 decorative pillow that I have wanted. I am getting out of bed in the morning and taking care of my basic needs. I am allowing myself to just sit and enjoy a cup of coffee in a coffee shop.

In what ways do you show yourself self love?