January of each year is considered a month of new beginnings. This January has been filled with a lot of learning and self-discovery. I have continued to have the occasional battle with the eating disorder and have dealt with some pretty intense anxiety and depression. All of those are pieces of my life that I was hoping would not be a part of the new year, so I met them with a lot of resistance. I have been learning though to accept that I may have some eating disorder thoughts and other negative thinking and instead of resisting it, I can process it in a healthy way and it will pass.

I felt a lot of shame over feeling the anxiety and depression a couple weeks ago. I was reminded last week though that there is no shame in having those thoughts and feelings. I can take a step back and breathe, stay in the present, and ground myself in the truths. When I have eating disorder thoughts it is likely due to something going on in my life that I need to recognize and deal with.

A couple weeks ago I was having the difficult time, I took a step back with help from my therapist and realized that there was a lot going on that was bringing back old feelings of not being good enough and needing to do life better. I have also been overwhelmed with deciding if I am going to move out of my apartment and where I am going to move to. Once I discovered that there was a disconnect between my head and my heart I was able to take some time for myself and perform self care. I was also able to remind myself that I am good enough.

I am enjoying this learning and discovery that I am good enough and I am confident and at peace with my body. It feels good to be a warrior and feel stronger. Taking classes to start accomplishing a goal I have had for a long time encourages me to keep going through this recovery. This January has not been what I expected it to be in the least bit, but I am grateful for new beginnings and I know there is so much more learning and discovery to be had.

I am also excited to share something I wrote that was put in a blog on the circles for change website!

https://www.circlesofchange.org/blog/rewrite-story-eating-disorder-recovery

Mirror, Mirror on the wall who is the most beautiful one of all. 

Not you it says. Not you at all.

Just look at you, you look so fat.

Your stomach, sides, legs and back. 

Your stomach is huge, your sides stick out, your thighs are ginormous and in the middle they touch. 

You have stretch marks proving you are not skinny enough.




But Mirror, I don’t know what to do I want to be beautiful just like you.




Then starve you must, don’t eat so much. 

Count carbs and fats.

Food becomes a number and a chore and not a necessity to enjoy. 




Mirror, Mirror on the wall who is the most beautiful one of all. 

Not you it says. Not you at all.

Just look at you, you look so fat.

Your stomach, sides, legs and back. 

Your stomach is huge, your sides stick out, your thighs are ginormous and in the middle they touch. 

You have stretch marks proving you are not skinny enough.




But Mirror, I took your advice. 

I stopped eating like you said.

Your voice is always in my head. 

I thought this would be enough to make you say I am beautiful. 




You listen well to instructions I give. 

Now starve and exercise if you want to live. 

Go to the gym for hours each day. 

Work off more calories than you consume and come back here, okay?




Okay I say as I am off to the gym. 

I push myself to the limit.

It is not enough until I have burned many calories and sweat until I pass out. 




Mirror, Mirror on the wall who is the most beautiful one of all. 

Not you it says. Not you at all.

Just look at you, you look so fat.

Your stomach, sides, legs and back. 

Your stomach is huge, your sides stick out, your thighs are ginormous and in the middle they touch. 

You have stretch marks proving you are not skinny enough.

Mirror, I have again done what you said. 

I eat less and go to the gym. 

What more can I do to make you approve? 




You have been working very hard my dear.

But still it is not enough. 

My instructions this time may be a little rough. 

If you want to be beautiful you need to listen very well. 

Starving and exercise are good but not great. 

One top of that laxatives you must take. 




Days are spent at the gym and sick at home.

The laxatives they must work more. 

I step on the scale each morning to see. 

Just how much weight I have lost so I can be free. 

And when I am satisfied with the number I see, my goal becomes something lower.

I’ll show that mirror who I can be. 




Mirror, Mirror on the wall who is the most beautiful one of all. 

Not you it says. Not you at all.

Just look at you, you look so fat.

Your stomach, sides, legs and back. 

Your stomach is huge, your sides stick out, your thighs are ginormous and in the middle they touch. 

You have stretch marks proving you are not skinny enough.




But Mirror I’m tired. 

I’m sick all the time. 

My hair is falling out and my skin is so dry. 

But your voice in my head is so strong and so wise. 

Whatever you say must be the truth, you would never lie. 

I cut into my skin to numb the pain.

All I want is acceptance to gain. 

I continue to follow the rules to a T.

Never thinking this is the person I would ever be. 




One day I wake up and decide this is enough. 

I don’t need to listen to the Mirror and this stuff.

I want to be healthy and happy and free.

I want to have friends and be able to just be me.

Exercise and laxatives I will use a lot less.

And eating, well that sometimes is a big mess.

I try to eat with nutrition in mind. 

My confidence again I try to find. 




Mirror, Mirror on the wall I want to live my own life.

I want to be happy, have joy, and be able to go out at night. 

I miss my friends and my hobbies that have been left behind.

I think it is time I listen to my wise mind. 




The mind that says you are beautiful and strong.

You don’t need the mirror to point out everything it perceives as wrong. 

You’re tall, you’re healthy, you can be full of energy and life. 

However sometimes your hair may just do what it likes. 

Even still, don’t allow those voices in your head to determine your path and dictate each moment. 

You have a full life to live and listen to everything I have spoken. 

Just because I have stopped being a traveling OT doesn’t mean my adventures have stopped! In February I took a job working with Cook Children’s Home Health in Fort Worth, TX and I am loving it! Yes, there are stressful days and a ton to learn starting out, but I love working with kids again. Today I went out finding any garage sale I could to find more toys, games and books that I can use with my little kiddos!

In the middle of March, I learned something new about Texas. When the weather man says it is going to hail, you take it seriously and take cover as best as you can. Hail in Texas is not small like you may have every once in a while in New York. No, hail here is ginormous! And unfortunately can do quite a bit of damage. (I may take back every bad thing I have said about snow storms in NY because I would take one of those any day over a big storm in TX!) As I was driving to work on the highway on March 17th, all of a sudden I started hearing very loud thumps on the top of my car. A couple seconds later, it looked like it was snowing huge snow balls however these were not soft snow balls. These were large, very hard pieces of hail. Hail that ended up breaking through my rear window, cracking the windshield, and doing enough more damage to the car that the insurance company called it a total loss. As much as buying a new vehicle was not something I had intended on doing in the near future, I sadly said goodbye to my little white Sentra and welcomed in my new 2014 Mitsubishi Outlander Sport.

Last weekend I decided to do something fun and crazy and participated in the Fort Worth Zoo 5K run. Afterwards I decided that if I do something like that again, I should probably run a little bit more than once every 6 months or so when I decide to do a race. But it was fun while I did it. The last portion of the race was running through the zoo past the birds, Elephants, Zebras, Giraffes…It was fun! And I just signed up to do the Bubble Run in Dallas in May with a friend which I am excited about! One of my friends endured the cold morning and came out to the race with me.  I think by the time I was done running we could finally feel our fingers and toes…maybe. It was quite a cold morning!

The gardens here in TX are beautiful right now! After the race I went to the Fort Worth Botanical Garden and the next day I went to the Dallas Arboretum. Here are some pics from the gardens:

I have also been doing some hiking and exploring different trails around.

I am ready for more new and exciting adventures!

One of the first things we learn when we are younger are numbers. We start by learning how old we are, then counting, then being able to identify the numbers and perform math problems. Numbers are an important part of our day with telling time, how much it costs to purchase an item, and possibly in different areas of your job. I know for me as an occupational therapist, I focus on numbers when I am monitoring a patients vital signs, the angles of their joints, how many reps of exercises they can do, measuring how strong they are. There are also many days when numbers are hard for me. I know numbers should only be hard when you are trying to perform crazy math equations that you are made to do in classes like geometry and algebra. But for me, numbers are hard when I am focused on the number on the scale, the amount of calories I am putting in my body, and how many calories I can burn at the gym to make up for what I ate or justify being able to nourish my body with food. I work hard everyday a healthy relationship with numbers. Somedays it works, some days are more difficult.

Being a traveling OT still comes with its many adventures! Here are some pictures from a recent one!

Voice of Truth
Casting Crowns

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I’m in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He’s holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. ‘Boy, you’ll never win! ‘
“You’ll never win”

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says “Do not be afraid!”
And the voice of truth says “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they’d have had the strength to stand

But the giant’s calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I’ve tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again “boy, you’ll never win!
“You’ll never win”

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don’t seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

Listening to the voice of truth and who we are is not always easy when you are placed into an environment that tells you that you are something different. It is easy to believe that you are who people say you are if you are told that is what you are over and over again. I recently was working in a hospital where I was given the message numerous times a day that I was not “good enough”….in terms of my job and just me as a person. I became so frustrated and angry and really started to believe that I am not good enough to be a therapist to be a friend to be anything. I stopped listening to the voice of truth.

A few weeks ago, I started another contract where I am reminded everyday that I am not doing enough or doing it well or fast enough. My every move is monitored and many days do not feel qualified to be in this position (even though ultimately I am more than qualified).

I long to have the faith I need to distinguish between who God says I am and who others say I am and only listen to the voice of truth. A friend of mine recently sent me a link to some messages about where we find our worth. I was reminded that my worth should not be found in what I do or my job. But I am a child of the King who gives me the strength, courage and confidence to make it through each day. The message at Gateway this morning was about fighting. We are to wake up each and every morning telling ourselves who we are in God and get up ready to fight. Pastor Miles McPherson said “God creates us as His warriors and His children however the devil gets different thing sin our head of who we are.” We need to redefine who we are from what the devil has snuck in to how God sees us. That is the voice of truth.

My goal this week is to listen to the voice of truth and know that I have the strength to stand up against the waves and the giants. I am so thankful that I have people in my life too who help to remind me that I am worth it and have the strength to make it through each day.

Fort Worth Botanic Garden

At the end of July, I made the transition from the Quad Cities down to Dallas, TX to do more traveling OT. I moved in with Terry and Susan Clark and their little dog Jazzy and I started working at Methodist Rehab Hospital. I have had a great time living with Terry and Susan, spending time cooking and baking and making messes in the kitchen and helping out with gardening. I have a new little shadow Jazzy who follows me around the house and greets me at the door when I get home from work everyday. My job has been well I guess another learning experience and part of the adventure giving me quite the challenge. I am learning more how to have lots of patience and flexibility. (Something I already had, but need it even more with this job).

Jess and Susan

Welcome to Texas!

Jess and Grace

Can you look at these smiles and not smile yourself? I sure can’t. And I definitely know that I can’t wait to be back in Zambia with these little ones from Children’s Nest Orphanage!!!

To find out more on how you can be a part of helping me go to Zambia in 2016 keep reading!

While in Zambia, I will be working through Ripe For Harvest which is a mission sending agency that allows for individuals to work in the ways God has called them to.  This means if you support me financially, all donations will be received through Ripe for Harvest. Yes, in order for me to do the work God has called me to in Zambia, I am going to need to be fully supported by you!  Here is a breakdown of the support I need to raise:

One-Time Costs:

Budgeted: $15,000

This covers: airfare, housing set-up, visa, phone, and training.

Monthly Costs:

Budgeted: $2,985

This covers: rent, utilities, groceries, health insurance, fuel, language tutor, CN office and therapy supplies, benevolence, contingency, phone talk time, internet, taxes, student loans, airfare (for a yearly trip home), and long-term savings.

Please consider being a long-term financial partner.  Even a $10/month donation goes a long way!  It is through the support of monthly financial partners that I will be able to stay in Choma and work at Children’s Nest. If you are considering a one-time donation, please think about spreading that out over at least the one-year term I am beginning with (keep in mind my move will likely extend beyond one year).  Monthly donations ensure longevity of this ministry.  If you’re worried that you’ll forget, you could even do a lump sum annually if you are able  (say you pledge $10/month and give $120 each January [be sure to indicate this is not a one-time gift]).

How can you donate? Well let me tell you!

Please visit http://ripeforharvest.org/home/donate/

If you choose Electronic Funds Transfer or Credit/Debit: please select “Devericks, Jessica – 107″ from the dropdown menu.

If you are mailing a check: please include a note specifying “Jessica Devericks-107″

Please, before you mail a donation, visit http://goo.gl/forms/1UVWCxFOwh and fill out the form so I can track any gifts and know if your donation is monthly or one-time.  You can also indicate in this form if you would like to receive monthly email updates, or if you are committing to pray for me!

Please note that donating through Credit/Debit will take 3% away from your donation.

Thank you in advance for being a part of my mission to Zambia!

“The will of God is always a bigger thing than we bargain for, but we must believe that whatever it involves, it is good, acceptable and perfect.”       ~Jim Elliot

The past couple weeks I have been feeling this pull to do something more, something different or the same, but in a different place. I didn’t necessarily see myself leaving here after only a few months, butGod’s plans are not always our plans and He has called me to go back to doing travel therapy. To be honest, it’s overwhelming to think about leaving my job, my church, and some pretty awesome friends, but I know that whatever God calls me to do is good, acceptable and perfect. So, in mid to end July, I will be traveling again. I am planning on going to the Dallas, TX area. I am not sure what all this next adventure is going to entail but I am excited for it.

“Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.” ~Rumi

This year I spent the month of March in Choma, Zambia. I had visited twice before, and this time I spent the month with my friend Amy helping her move and get settled and also loving on the children at Children’s Nest, the orphanage where Amy is working now. It was during that month that I felt confirmation that God is calling me to Zambia. I love Zambia, and I love being an occupational therapist and helping people. So, that is what I am going to do!  In 2016, I am going to be joining Amy in Zambia. My role while in Zambia will include:

Children’s Nest:

• Assist with Schooling for the Preschool through Grade One Classes

  • Participate in daily classes, perhaps teach specific subjects (such as health, Bible, etc).

  • Help with crowd control

  • Encourage learning and proper behavior

  • Use class time to carefully observe and evaluate children who ma
    y require therapyEngage in therapy sessions with the Children

• Love and care for the children!

Potential Opportunities at School for Kids with Special Needs

• Evaluate Occupational Therapy related needs for the Children Provide treatments for the Children both in and outside of the classroom to help them achieve optimal performance and independence

Missionary Support

• Support and encourage missionaries living in Zambia

• Assist full time missionaries with their children, making meals, preparing for short term teams

 While in Zambia, I will be working through Ripe For Harvest which is a mission sending agency that allows for individuals to work in the ways God has called them to.  This means if you support me financially, all donations will be received through Ripe for Harvest. Yes, in order for me to do the work God has called me to in Zambia, I am going to need to be fully supported by you!  Here is a breakdown of the support I need to raise:

One-Time Costs:

Budgeted: $15,000

This covers: airfare, housing set-up, visa, phone, and training.

Monthly Costs:

Budgeted: $2,985

This covers: rent, utilities, groceries, health insurance, fuel, language tutor, CN office and therapy supplies, benevolence, contingency, phone talk time, internet, taxes, student loans, airfare (for a yearly trip home), and long-term savings.

Please consider being a long-term financial partner.  Even a $10/month donation goes a long way!  It is through the support of monthly financial partners that I will be able to stay in Choma and work at Children’s Nest. If you are considering a one-time donation, please think about spreading that out over at least the one-year term I am beginning with (keep in mind my move will likely extend beyond one year).  Monthly donations ensure longevity of this ministry.  If you’re worried that you’ll forget, you could even do a lump sum annually if you are able  (say you pledge $10/month and give $120 each January [be sure to indicate this is not a one-time gift]).

How can you donate? Well let me tell you!

Please visit http://ripeforharvest.org/home/donate/

If you choose Electronic Funds Transfer or Credit/Debit: please select “Devericks, Jessica – 107″ from the dropdown menu.

If you are mailing a check: please include a note specifying “Jessica Devericks-107″

Please, before you mail a donation, visit http://goo.gl/forms/1UVWCxFOwh and fill out the form so I can track any gifts and know if your donation is monthly or one-time.  You can also indicate in this form if you would like to receive monthly email updates, or if you are committing to pray for me!

Please note that donating through Credit/Debit will take 3% away from your donation.

“God’s work done in God’s way will never lack God’s supply.”

~J. Hudson Taylor

  I have faith that God will supply for prayer and financial needs for this mission to Zambia. If you have any questions don’t hesitate to contact me via email at jess.devericks@gmail.com or by phone, 716-499-0033. I am so thankful for all God has done and will continue to do during the next few months and years!