I have been thinking a lot recently about fear. Fear comes in different forms and can keep us from doing things that may be outside of our comfort zone because we don’t know what is on the other side or what could potentially happen if we try something. This past week I let some fears get the best of me in terms of being afraid of people and places and the potential of having bad dreams which led me to very restless nights of little sleep.

However there are other fears that I jumped over and took a leap of faith hoping that the outcome would be better than sitting with the fear. I talked to people at work more and felt more confident with my abilities. When other people came to me with questions, it was hard for me to answer them at first because I was afraid of what they might think. But, I have learned that being confident in myself and what I know is a big thing so I just kept reminding myself that I know what I am doing and talking about and could answer questions with confidence instead of cowering in unrealistic fears.

Since I was little, I have been terrified of heights. One of my cousins has this joke that it took me forever before I could even climb a flight of stairs without being scared. I have done things to try to prove to myself and other people that I am not afraid of heights like going on rollercoasters and Ferris wheels and climbing to the top of very high buildings in order to look over the edge at a beautiful landscape. Last week one of my co workers invited me to go out rock climbing with her and her husband. My first reaction was great, that sounds like fun to go out and do something new! That is part of my adventures in traveling. Then I stopped and realized what I had said/agreed to do. I must say that I am a lot better and more comfortable taking pictures of mountains and big rocks that I am climbing them. So yesterday I went out and climbed a VERY large rock, scaling the side of it hoping my hands and feet would find the next hole and hold me up.

One of the first things I had to do while going up the big rock was to learn to trust the rope that I was attached to. I had to learn that the rope was strong and that even if I did slip or start to fall, the rope would catch me basically. Have B at the bottom manning the rope also helped because I knew he was strong enough to help keep me steady and he wouldn’t let me fall. My first time trying to go up, I was so scared about what I was doing and how far off the ground I was that I really didn’t make it very far until my arms just couldn’t hold me up any longer. The second time though, I made it more than half way up and was quite a bit faster because I was more confident in myself and my ability to grab places on the rocks and pull myself  up but I was also more confident in the rope and other gadgets I was attached to in order to keep me up there and safe.

I am quite proud of myself for overcoming my fear of heights and going out and doing something fun and adventurous! I won’t say that I wasn’t terrified at times, but it was so worth it and I would definitely do it again sometime. So…what fears are you going to stand up to this week?

How many times as a child did you ask that question to your mom, dad, grandparents, teachers…? And even if you did not ask if audibly, how often did you think it? Now as an adult, how many times a day do you want to ask that question to your boss, friends, spouse, anyone around?

I have a little 5 yr old patient, K, who asks me many times during our sessions when I tell her how great she is doing, are you proud of me? I reassure her, yes K I am so proud of you. Many of my little patients just want assurance throughout our sessions that they are doing good and that I am seeing that and am proud of them.

The OT assistants who I work with do not necessarily come out and ask the question, but they come to me and ask me to read their notes and ask me about what they are doing with patients to be reassured that they are doing okay and the right things.

I find myself as an adults, a professional wanting to ask people some days are you proud of me? Did I do a good job? Is this good enough? Even today after writing a report yesterday about a patient I showed it to the other OT and I wanted feedback. I also wanted feedback about other pieces of the job since this is my first week there. But, I am not getting what I want. I am not getting the approval or the “I am proud of you” type response that I am looking for.

So…it made me think. Why do we continue to seek approval from people when the most important place to seek approval from is God? And with God, we already have His approval. And it is only with God that we can have the confidence to continue going day after day through every circumstance that may come our way. And even when we may stray a little off the path just like my little K cutting off the of the line, God is still there and He loves us and is proud of us for trusting Him allowing Him to help get us back on the path to walk the straight line.

From the time we are little, we all have something that brings us comfort. When we are young, it could be a blanket, our parents, a stuffed animal, sucking our thumb, or having our cup of milk.

As we get older, our comforts change to different people, objects, foods, drinks…..

With all of the frequent changes that come with my job, I am finding that I have comforts that I look for at each place for continuity. I don’t think I really realized though that I looked for these things as comfort until now when I was looking for them and either could or could not find them.

I found the Target/Walmart where I can quickly grab things when I need them. I can even walk to them if I want to! But, I have not found a craft store like Michael’s or Hobby Lobby and most importantly a coffee shop. There is no Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks. I did find a little Starbucks in a grocery store, but it isn’t the same as a real Starbucks store! I think the coffee is my biggest comfort I am missing. Coffee is such a marvelous thing. I don’t even care about the caffeine. I just love the different flavors you can have and the warmth. Oh coffee how I miss you and I even have straws to drink you with!

Definition of identity:
-condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is
-the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time

For the past couple years, I have been on this search for what my identity is. Who am I? Whose am I?

I grew up with the main pieces of identity know I am a daughter, a niece, a granddaughter, a sister, a friend, a student and then an occupational therapist, a christian.

Then a year ago, I had everything taken away from me and felt like I lost all my identity and had no idea who I was. All I had were the negative things that caused me to what I called loose my identities. I was confused and lost.

I was living my life with a lot of shame, guilt, doubt and fear and that became a big part of my identity. I was so afraid of what other people would think that I went out everyday with my mask on like everything was great. I even avoided people and social situations that I loved just so no one would be able to see inside and see the real me.

In a way, it was almost a good thing for me to have everything just taken away including my job and all of my responsibilities and I was placed in a very controlled environment. I had no control over even what I ate and when, when I went to bed or woke up, how much exercise I was able to do, when I could go to to the bathroom. I was crazy. But it was good, because it made me learn to rely on God. Something I had not had to do in such a way before.

I learned that my identity was not in what I did but my identity is as a child of God and in Him!

In the past year with moving around a lot my identity is always changing in other peoples eyes and sometimes I feel like I have to change to meet other peoples expectations. But ultimately I really don’t. The other person I need to be responsible to and answer to is God. Because again, my identity is in Him and not in my job or other things that I may be involved in. In my puzzle of life, God is at the center as my identity. Or at least He needs to be.

I love the song by Mercy Me called Greater. And I feel like every time I hear it, it reminds me of my identity and who I am. I am not all of the negative things like the guilt and shame that I carry around all too much. But I am redeemed by the blood of Christ and I need to bring all of those things to Him!

Greater:
Bring your tired

Bring your shame

Bring your guilt

Bring your pain

Don’t you know that’s not your name

You will always be much more to me

Everyday I wrestle with the voices That keep telling me I’m not right But that’s alright

Cause I hear a voice and He calls me redeemed

When others say I’ll never be enough

And greater is the One living inside of me Than he who is living in the world

In the world In the world

And greater is the One living inside of me Than he who is living in the world

Bring your doubts

Bring your fears

Bring your hurt

Bring your tears

There’ll be no condemnation here You are holy, righteous and redeemed

Every time I fall There’ll be those who will call me A mistake Well, that’s ok

There’ll be days I lose the battle

Grace says that it doesn’t matter

Cause the cross already won the war

He’s greater He’s greater

I am learning to run freely

Understanding just how He sees me And it makes me love Him more and more

He’s greater He’s greater