I’ve been pretty quiet on my blog this year and I decided that now is the time to put out an update. In this post I am going to give you an update on where I’m at right now and what I have been learning along the way. 

Last Fall, I relapsed with an eating disorder that I have struggled on and off with for many years. After much fighting with my outpatient treatment team, I packed my bags and headed out to Norman, OK in my friends car to a residential eating disorder treatment center. I continued to fight a lot of the process through a couple residential stays with partial hospitalization in between. Here are some learning experiences I had during that time.

1. Recovery can not be done alone. I was set on being able to do recovery at home by myself however after a couple weeks at residential I realized how difficult the process was going to be. I needed the 24/7 support, therapy, groups, dietitian sessions, and medical supervision. I also needed the other patients. I have met some of the most supportive, fun, and encouraging people. When you live with people, you get to know them pretty well and we got into routines of doing things like going for walks in the evening once we had permission to. I didn’t tell many people what was happening and where I was going but the support I received from the friends and family I did tell was incredible. I am very thankful for all the people I have in my life. 

2. I love being able to use my 5 senses. The residential house is a little outside of the city, back from the road, and surrounded by trees and water. I spent a lot of time outside when there wasn’t snow on the ground and the temperature was lower than 100*. In the Spring, the flowers were beautiful and the grass was green again. In the evenings one of the patients and I would go for a walk down the long driveway and we also would go into more of the wooded area. We saw lots of trees, flowers, water in the creek, turtles, fish, snakes, and turkeys. Fun fact: Turkeys sleep in trees and yes they can fly. I liked finding the snakes and petting them (there were not venomous). I enjoyed laying outside feeling the grass and the warmth of the sun and listening to the sounds around me. I struggled a lot with depression and anxiety at the beginning and going outside and using my senses helped me to ground myself. 

In July, I was able to spend a week in New Hampshire leading worship at a CFO camp. I was so excited to go but as it got closer I started to doubt myself and told myself I wasn’t qualified to be the worship leader. I had such a great time during that week. My mom came and brought one of my brothers and my two nieces and I saw friends I haven’t seen in a few years. My first night leading worship definitely did not go as planned and I was so discouraged. It seemed to confirm what I had been telling myself that I was not qualified to be in that leadership position which brings up learning experiences number 3 and 4. 

3. Who am I to tell God that I am not qualified to do something He has called me to do. The rest of my week leading worship I had a great team of guys helping me. There are all so talented and encouraged me along the way. We had some amazing times of worship and God showed up. I needed to focus more on Him instead of relying on my own abilities. 

4. Trust. I didn’t just need to focus more on God, but I also had to trust him. I also trusted the guys on the team. Giving up control and going with the flow made it so much more comfortable and helped with my confidence. I was so thankful during that week to have a prayer group of women who were so easy to trust. We spent a lot of time talking, praying, laughing, and crying. This also related back to all the treatment I was going through and trusting people and the process. 

A few days after I got back from New Hampshire, I was admitted back into residential treatment. This time though I had a very different outlook on it. I was more trusting of the providers and the process of recovery. Recovery is not easy and it’s not linear. The word that kept coming to mind is number 5 in my learning experiences.

5. Acceptance. This time going into residential I started to accept the process and stopped trying to control everything myself. I became more open to trying new foods, learning and using coping skills and techniques to help with my anxiety and depression, and the biggest part was starting to accept my body. I started focusing on my health instead of weight and size. I don’t always feel like I can accept my body because it hasn’t always been reliable due to underlying conditions, but I started really focusing on what it does for me and how important my body is to me. 

It was hard to accept the process and continue working on it, but I am glad I did it. My residential stay was only a month which is short compared to my first stay of 4 months. I was then able to step down to partial hospitalization for a month and am in my last couple weeks of intensive outpatient. I am ready to find my life again in recovery and will be starting that with a mission trip to Kenya at the end of October for 2 weeks. I am so much happier now and excited that I am healthy enough to be able to do missions which I love to do. I still have a lot of work to do in recovery, especially as I discharge to outpatient but I am going to continue to trust and accept the process, use my coping skills, enjoy the body I have been given, and do what brings me joy. I also hope to be able to use what I have learned and experienced this year to help and educate others. 

I am going to be working on more blog posts with pictures and memories from this year so stay tuned for that! I would also love to hear what you all have been learning this year if you are comfortable sharing.