Definition of identity:
-condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is
-the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time

For the past couple years, I have been on this search for what my identity is. Who am I? Whose am I?

I grew up with the main pieces of identity know I am a daughter, a niece, a granddaughter, a sister, a friend, a student and then an occupational therapist, a christian.

Then a year ago, I had everything taken away from me and felt like I lost all my identity and had no idea who I was. All I had were the negative things that caused me to what I called loose my identities. I was confused and lost.

I was living my life with a lot of shame, guilt, doubt and fear and that became a big part of my identity. I was so afraid of what other people would think that I went out everyday with my mask on like everything was great. I even avoided people and social situations that I loved just so no one would be able to see inside and see the real me.

In a way, it was almost a good thing for me to have everything just taken away including my job and all of my responsibilities and I was placed in a very controlled environment. I had no control over even what I ate and when, when I went to bed or woke up, how much exercise I was able to do, when I could go to to the bathroom. I was crazy. But it was good, because it made me learn to rely on God. Something I had not had to do in such a way before.

I learned that my identity was not in what I did but my identity is as a child of God and in Him!

In the past year with moving around a lot my identity is always changing in other peoples eyes and sometimes I feel like I have to change to meet other peoples expectations. But ultimately I really don’t. The other person I need to be responsible to and answer to is God. Because again, my identity is in Him and not in my job or other things that I may be involved in. In my puzzle of life, God is at the center as my identity. Or at least He needs to be.

I love the song by Mercy Me called Greater. And I feel like every time I hear it, it reminds me of my identity and who I am. I am not all of the negative things like the guilt and shame that I carry around all too much. But I am redeemed by the blood of Christ and I need to bring all of those things to Him!

Greater:
Bring your tired

Bring your shame

Bring your guilt

Bring your pain

Don’t you know that’s not your name

You will always be much more to me

Everyday I wrestle with the voices That keep telling me I’m not right But that’s alright

Cause I hear a voice and He calls me redeemed

When others say I’ll never be enough

And greater is the One living inside of me Than he who is living in the world

In the world In the world

And greater is the One living inside of me Than he who is living in the world

Bring your doubts

Bring your fears

Bring your hurt

Bring your tears

There’ll be no condemnation here You are holy, righteous and redeemed

Every time I fall There’ll be those who will call me A mistake Well, that’s ok

There’ll be days I lose the battle

Grace says that it doesn’t matter

Cause the cross already won the war

He’s greater He’s greater

I am learning to run freely

Understanding just how He sees me And it makes me love Him more and more

He’s greater He’s greater

If this placement has taught me anything, it is more of those three things (among many other things, but those stand out to me the most). I have had to have patience with my patients and co workers, patience with myself, patience with N. I have needed lots of confidence in myself and my abilities going in to work everyday not always knowing exactly what types of situations I would be getting myself in to. And finally, I have been learning again to trust others and most importantly to trust God and allow Him to take control.

I have really liked the hospital setting. I love the excitement of the inpatients post surgery, right out of the ER…..going from room to room always doing something. The outpatients are okay, but I have learned that it is not my most favorite. One reason I wanted to do traveling is to figure out what I like and do not like and I am learning that. I like the hospital, but am not as much of a fan of outpatient.

Rye is a beautiful place to live, right on the Long Island Sound. I feel very fortunate to be able to live where I do especially being only 2 blocks from the beach. However, I do not know what God was teaching me but maybe it was to be patient and to teach me what it might be like some day to be married and live with some one else. It was challenging living with N and not having much privacy or space. But we had lots of good times together playing Rummy, watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune and eating ice cream just about every night.

While here, I was able to do a few things in the area like the botanical gardens, Bronx Zoo, and then above the city railroad tracks. I also went down to the beach a lot for a walk after work, met up with CFO friends in CT and in White Plains, was able to go to Time Square and Hillsong churches in the city, and met up with friends for dinner in the city.

This placement was tough with lots of challenges from the get go I think partly because I felt negatively about coming here and did not want to come so had a hard time thinking positive and thinking about the adventure. So now I am off to new adventures after this week and no matter where I go I need to remember that I am not in control and I just need to let it be part of my adventure and be positive.

The world is not as perfect as a dozen roses or a box of chocolates. You can clearly see that if you turn on the news or read a newspaper or even just look at something like Facebook. Right now with the death of Robin Williams there are so many posts on depression and suicide. After having  a close friend take her own life a couple years ago, I understand this topic so much more. 

I have been trying recently to turn to God’s Word more and finding the joys in life instead of spending time focusing on the negatives in life. Here are some verses I have found helpful to read:

“Answer me quickly, O Lord! My spirit fails! Hide not your face from me, lest I be like those who go down to the pit. Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.” Ps. 143:7-8

^{Luke 6: 20}

 Looking at his disciples, he said:

One of the most common questions asked in life….what’s next? Even as I sit here typing right now, the question asked to me is what’s next (talking about what is on TV after watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune of course). The majority of us go through day by day with a routine that is is partly scheduled for us and the rest we are on an auto pilot. Waking up, showering, eating breakfast, going to work, coming home, making dinner, doing things around the house, going to bed….

This past weekend at church S mentioned how at youth camp they gave the kids a schedule of what they were to do and where they were to be each minute of the day. They told the kids that they should never ave to ask what’s next or what they were to be doing because they should always have their schedule with them. 

Many times in life we ask the question to ourselves what’s next? And during different situations that go on, we have to figure out where to turn next and what decisions to make. We may not have an actual “schedule” that says what’s next, but we do have the Bible that gives us instructions and direction in life and helps to guide us through each step of the day. 

My life changes so often moving every 13 weeks as part of my OT adventures. I am thankful that I have God as a constant in my life and my Bible that I can turn to especially when I am overwhelmed with the unknowingness of what is next. I am so thankful for this adventure that God has me on challenging me in many ways, helping me to increase my confidence in myself, teaching me to take time to stop and breathe and pray and take time for Him.

So in terms of where I am going next on my OT adventure? I don’t have a clue. But according to my “schedule” God knows all:

^” For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare^[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”  Jeremiah 29:11

Travel Adventure #3 has led me back to NY. Again another place that I said “absolutely no I do not want to go there” to and here I am! Living in Rye, NY with Nini while working in Suffern, NY at Good Samaritan Hospital.

After 1750 miles, 6 states, 2 days and 1 speeding warning later, I made my trek back to NY July 5-6. It was really hard to leave my friends that I made in San Antonio and drive to a place I did not feel God calling me to go but, He has His reason for things and there must be some reason He had me continue on my adventure and move back to NY instead of staying in SA. My first stop back in NY was Finger Lakes CFO which was a great week filled with seeing old friends and leading in different areas of the camp. I was challenged during the week and during the weekend spending it with Susan, Michelle and Carissa to really rely more on God and spend time in His Word and pray more instead of taking control myself and relying on myself. As Carissa put it, we need to let God be the parent and let Him take on the caretaker role and just sit back more and be the child instead of trying to do everything ourselves.

Leaving Finger Lakes and starting my next OT adventure has been a challenge. I have been in and out of a darkness that has been frustrating because I don’t want to feel this way and do not know why I feel this way and know that I am being too hard on myself and have a lot going on but I feel like that is just an excuse and not something that will help me come out of this darkness.

These past couple weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster ride I guess I could call them. Haiti was such a high and then as much as I didn’t necessarily want to come back, it was good to come back to my family and spend time with them. Then I very quickly packed up and moved here to Texas where things just didn’t seem to work out at all the way that they were supposed to in my eyes. My OT license didn’t come in so I couldn’t start working, finances were a bit tight, was in a completely new place knowing nothing, got sick, started my job that has not been anything like I thought it would be, and I have felt isolated and alone. There have been good moments though that I know I need to remember like finding places to go outdoors and explore, finding a church to go to, meeting new people.

One problem. I have a really hard time seeing the positive right now when the parts of life are not going quite as I had planned. And since I am away from my friends and family I isolate myself which makes the depression more. Then my eating disorder comes in as my comfort with exercise and crazy eating behaviors. I am frustrated with myself for allowing that to control a lot of my day and thoughts again. Feeling like I have to exercise in order to justify eating what I do and making myself seem like everything is great when I am out in public is exhausting!

The verse on the top of the page is one that caught me today. Making the verse more personal and what I pray tonight:  I will be strong and courageous for the Lord my God is with me. I will have faith knowing that God has a plan for me here even though I may not necessarily feel that there is one right now. Also Psalm 23:4 “Even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death and darkness, we don’t have to fear because God is with us, protecting, leading and providing for us so that we will lack nothing.”

Tomorrow is a new day with new adventures that God has in store and I am going to do my best to use his strength to help me go out and have some fun because I know that God has the power to reach down and pull me out of this valley that I am in and help me climb back up to the mountaintop.

Adventure…..This is all part of the adventure. This is what I tell myself numerous times throughout the day everyday at my new extremely chaotic job here in San Antonio, TX. Now don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful that I now have my license and am able to work after not for a couple of weeks. I remember telling myself it is all part of the adventure while I was in NY as well and it all turned out okay and I learned a lot! I am trying to feel optimistic about this job and not complain but boy is this place exhausting. I have been meeting some interesting people since being here between my job, church, and just randomly on the street.

Some patients have been more compliant than others. Some sweet old men and ladies and some ummm not so sweet ones but hey, I need some people to make the day interesting! Sunday night movies at Marc and Liz’s house with Josh and Ronelle are nice and relaxing and something to look forward to on the weekend. Same with small group on Tuesday nights at the Motyka’s. Bugs are not something I look forward too. Spiders in the shower and in my bed and large unidentified bugs that look like a mix between a cockroach and beetle in my sock and underwear door is so not cool.

So yes, this has all been an adventure since being here and I have learned a lot about things that I should do if I continue to do travel therapy and things that I shouldn’t do. Do I belong here? I’m not so sure. I miss my sunrises/sunsets, waterfronts, family, friends. But I still have about another 11 weeks here so I guess I will find out!

We live in world where we want to be in control of what we do, where we go, when things happen. I am completely guilty of this too. People in the church always say God is in control or let God be in control. That is not necessarily easy when something doesn’t go the way it was planned and then we get something else in our mind that we want to do.

The past two weeks in Texas have not been anything that they were planned to be. And I finally had decided this weekend that I wanted to and was going to move back to NY. I miss my family and friends, I miss the familiarity of the state, I just feel like I would be more comfortable working there. But….my Texas license was issued today which means that tomorrow I can start working here. That gives me no “excuse” to go back to NY. I guess God had other plans that what I had and he has a reason for me staying here in Texas. Just wish I knew what it was because I have a lot of anxiety about starting this job and just living here.

Now I need to focus on trusting God and being confident in myself and my abilities as an OT and just as a person going into this job.

Written by Katie’s father Paul:

“Katie’s life has been a pleasing aroma to GOD. Her life of nearly 25 years has been lived more fully & has had greater impact for Christ than many of us will in 70 years or more. We don’t know what outcome she’ll have when this is over. I can say these things confidently: there is a GOD who created the heavens & the Earth. He reigns over His creation. He is good & He is wise. When we experience unexplainable tragedy like in Katie’s case – He doesn’t cease to be either wise or good. The ability to grasp the scope of all that happens in the universe is beyond me, but for now I have confidence in Him. Each of us has a certain number of days designated on this earth, and a GOD knows the number of our days. Jesus is the Son of God, he and father are essentially one. Jesus paid the ultimate price for all of our crimes against a perfect God. Jesus is the promised Christ of the bible. We are rebellious again God’s rule in big & small ways from time that we could walk or talk. When wrong is done, somebody’s got to pay the price … that’s just how real justice works. By believing that He took on himself all the punishment that each of us deserves, God accepts Jesus as our substitute. After we reach that point, we need to agree with this Holy GOD that we purpose to turn away from behavior that is contrary to His ways. We accept both good things & things that aren’t as easy to take …. like Kate’s accident. The bottom line is this; if Katie recovers – we’ll rejoice & get to enjoy her awhile, but if not – Katie has had a wonderful life & she’ll leave us to go to be with Him.”

“Each of us has a certain number of days to live & breathe … and the mystery is that none of us knows how many days there are & many of us get frustrated or fearful by not knowing that answer. Another troublesome mystery that we all face is not knowing what happens to us when we die. Except for a handful of incredible after-life stories that have been told, we are left to imagine what happens next. In the process of considering these mysteries, some have concluded that since it seems impossible to solve these puzzles, it is better to live & do whatever makes us feel good & makes us happy. You may have heard the popular expression, You Only Live Once, or YOLO for short, while the statement is true – this philosophy doesn’t address either of the mysteries that are listed.

Katie believed that there is a God who created the heavens & the Earth. He reigns over His creation. He is good & He is wise, and when we experience unexplainable tragedy – He doesn’t cease to be either wise or good. She also believed that Jesus is the Son of God, and that he and his father are essentially one. Jesus paid the ultimate price for all of our crimes against a perfect God. Jesus is the promised Christ of the bible. She came to realize that everybody tends to be rebellious against God’s rule in big & small ways from the time that we could walk or talk. When wrong is done, somebody’s got to pay the price … that’s just how real justice works. By believing that He took on himself all the punishment that each of us deserves, God accepts Jesus as our substitute. After we reach that point, we need to agree with this Holy God that we purpose to turn away from behavior that is contrary to His ways.

Katie has settled the answers to the mysteries, and she has hope that this same God has counted her days & and considers her life as precious, and that He loves her enough to exercise both wisdom & goodness on her behalf. As for the answer to the second mystery? She has a real hope that when the veil is opened that separates life from death – that Jesus will welcome her into something more beautiful & more wonderful than any of us can begin to imagine. I know that you’ve probably thought about the improbability of knowing for certain that this is true, but the catalyst that must be added is faith … It says in the book of Hebrews, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” There must be that point when faith ignites and produces confidence and ultimately results in hope. This hope that we have may seem pointless to some, but Katie believes that her hope won’t disappoint … And so do we.”

I had the privilege of knowing Katie through Camps Farthest Out. We were not at many camps/retreats together but the last one we were at was in Georgia March 2013. She led the youth group and her love for God and living her life for Him was very evident in everything that she did. Her life is such a testimony of faith and having confidence and trust in God. I put words in this post that Katie’s dad had put on Katie’s Prayer page on Facebook. These were sections of posts that caught me as representing who Katie was and the kind of faith and confidence in God that I want to have in my life.   

 

Today is National Sibling Day according to what I have read all day on Facebook and of course anything that is read on Facebook is always true. This collage isn’t very clear but here are a couple of pictures of the bunch of us throughout the past couple years. The bottom left is the newest one which was taken Christmas 2013 and includes all of us including La’Cherrie’s little one Chloe Mae.

If I actually sit down and count, I have had over 50 siblings throughout my 27 years of life. This is when people give me the I really don’t understand how that works face. I’ve had some from a couple hours up to many years now having 6 of them as permanent adopted siblings. My mom did foster care for most of my growing up years so I always had siblings…lots of younger siblings. We all had our moments of arguing, fighting and annoying each other but it was kind of nice to always have at least one other person to play with and hang out with.

I love my siblings and my nieces that they have brought into this world. They have brought so much joy into my life that I have never felt before 🙂